


No day without it

by skambition



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Advice, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Angst, Cancer, Drama, Family, Fights, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Post-Break Up, Regret, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-04-28 10:17:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14447163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skambition/pseuds/skambition
Summary: His hair was a little shorter than Even was used to, and his face had gotten even more beautiful over the last 10 years. The same amazing cheek bones, the same cute little nose, the same flawless, pale skin.And his lips.Those goddamn lips.They brought back memories that Even had tried to forget about for like 10 years now, memories of laughing, smiling, kissing.- Post Break Up AU





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Halla ♡ 
> 
> I had this idea a while ago and I'm finally feeling inspired again, so here we go. The first chapter is just a little something to set the mood and consider this a warning:
> 
> This is going to be painful. It's a post break up AU and it's going to deal with a lot of regret and a lot of dysfunctional relationship issues.
> 
> If you don't like stories like that, please do not read this, and please do not post hateful comments. I do not think that this is canon or that this represents their relationship or anything. It's fiction.
> 
> For everyone who doesn't like stories like this, I am also writing a story that's a little more fluffly and light and just more Isak and Even, so don't worry :)
> 
> If you like drama, enjoy reading and please let me know what you think!
> 
> I also wanted to take a second to thank everyone of you who has messaged me and reached out to me and told me that it's okay if I don't feel inspired or if I don't feel like writing. It's patience and understanding like that that made me want to post this here. Please don't make me regret it ♡ 
> 
> alt er love ♡ be kind

* * *

 

_Please put your seats in an upright position and turn off all electronic devices._

Even sighed, leaning his head against the plane window. He didn’t know if he wanted to be back here. It had been 10 years since he left Oslo, and had been quite happy living in all the places he’s been at over the last few years. He had loved sunny California, and he was completely in love with not so sunny, but equally exciting New York City. He had also been living in Canada for a year, working on a movie there, and he had been in Sydney for two years, working on one of his most popular films. Nevertheless, even though he’d been living in New York for a few years now, it had never felt like home.

But then, he wasn’t sure if Oslo would ever feel like home again.

But he knew that he needed to be back here.

His mom was sick. She had told him over text, after she had tried calling him a million times. He didn’t call back, because he had been busy, directing, making plans, being successful. And he felt bad about it.

Breast cancer.

It wasn’t like she was going to die, he knew that. They had such good medical care in Norway by now, nobody died of breast cancer. That’s what he was repeating in his head over and over again. Fuck statistics, he just knew that nobody would die. It was like a mantra he kept saying in his head since he had found out yesterday. Nobody would die.

_Not my mom. Not my mom._

When he had read the text from her, he had stayed calm. He had finally called her back, and they had talked for a couple of hours, about the chances she had, about the treatment that would follow, about the doctors and what they had been saying.

Then he had called his assistant, and she had pulled every sting she could to get him on a plane to Oslo as quickly as possible, spending an endless amount of his money on first class tickets, because of course there were no other seats available.

She got a rental car waiting for him in Oslo, and organized everything else. He had just finished his current movies a couple of weeks back, so he could just work from Oslo for a little while, he figured. It would be a while until the editing and sound mixing and everything would be done, and even though he liked to be there for that process just as much as he was present during the making of a movie, he knew that he just had to pull back a little bit.

He had been neglecting his family, his home, or what was left of it, everything that reminded him of his time in Oslo, and even though he knew it would be so much easier to keep doing that, he just knew that he couldn’t.

The flight was so fucking long, and he was so tired when he finally landed. He waited for what felt like an hour for his suitcase, and another hour for the damn rental car. Even though it felt like the middle of the night to him, it was only around 20:30 here, so he got himself a big cup of coffee and got to his car, to drive to the hospital.

 

\--

 

Even hated hospitals. He remembered walking these exact same halls when he had just learned that his dad had died. Just the fact that every single time he walked down those halls at a hospital, there were little personal tragedies happening behind all of those closed doors – it made Even sad and helpless and it made him feel young and vulnerable. He hated it.

When he found the right room, which had taken him much longer than he had anticipated, he took a couple of deep breaths before he went in.

“Hey little one,” Liv greeted him, instantly holding out her arms and Even moved into them without hesitation.

There was nothing like hugging his mother. He felt like he was eight again every time she hugged him like this, holding him tight, protecting him, and it somehow felt so safe, so comfortable.

“Hey mom,” he breathed into her hair, hugging her a little tighter.

“Thank you for coming home,” Liv said, pushing him back a little to look at him, her hands on his cheek, “I hope you know you didn’t have to come right away.”

“I wanted to,” Even promised, sitting down on her bed, holding her hand, “I’m sorry it’s been so long.”

“Ah, Even, don’t apologize for that. I’m just happy you’re here now.”

Sometimes Even wished he’d be as loving and forgiving as his mom was. He’d never met a person who had the strength to be this understanding, to be not judgmental at all.

_Well, maybe one._

“How are you, baby? You work too much, don’t you? How is your movie going?”

Even laughed a little, pressing a kiss to her hand,

“I should be asking you all of that.”

“Even, I’m going to be fine, and we’ll have a long fucking time to talk about all of this cancer stuff. Now, I’m happy that my baby is here and I want to hear all about your life. Can we do that?”

Even took a deep breath, smiling at her,

“We can do that.”

 

\--

 

They talked for a couple of hours. Liv insisted to hear all about the new movie, about every difficult scene, about the editing process, about the actors and the landscapes and the effects. She wanted to hear all about his apartment in New York, insisting that he showed her pictures. She didn’t ask, however, about his love life. Even knew she had given up asking about that.

It was late when they finally started talking about her diagnosis, and it was hard and painful to hear everything. Like it became real all of a sudden. They talked about stages of cancer and operations and chemotherapies and even though there was a lot of crying on both sides, Even felt somehow relieved when he finally left her room.

He knew she had the strength to beat this, and he knew that he wouldn’t lose her. Still, the fear was there, always present, and he knew that it would take a long fucking time until he would be able to breathe again.

 

\--

 

Even felt tired and exhausted, both physically and mentally. He walked down the almost empty halls of the hospital, and it felt like he was sleep walking. Like everything felt unreal, like a dream.

Maybe more like a nightmare.

It was his laugh that made Even wake up again.

He stopped dead on his tracks, his head snapping up. He knew that laugh. It had been his favorite activity in the world to getting cute little laughs like that for a long time, and after that time had been over, it had been in all of his favorite and most devastating dreams.

Even bit the inside of the cheek when he finally saw the person who that laugh belonged to.

_Isak Valtersen._

The one person that made Even believe that he wasn’t alone.

He had no idea Isak worked in this hospital. He looked good. So fucking good that it reminded Even of the fact that he was probably looking like shit right now, tired and pale and exhausted. Isak didn’t, though.

His hair was a little shorter than Even was used to, and his face had gotten even more beautiful over the last 10 years. The same amazing cheek bones, the same cute little nose, the same flawless, pale skin.

And his lips.

Those _goddamn_ lips.

They brought back memories that Even had tried to forget about for like 10 years now, memories of laughing, smiling, kissing.

Even he had to swallow hard, still staring at Isak in awe.

He was wearing light blue scrubs and white sneakers, and a white coat thrown over it. He was holding a file and discussing something with another doctor, looking serious, before laughing at some comment the other guy made.

Even felt his blood run cold when he heard that sound again. Isak looked absolutely incredible, and it made Even proud and happy and sad at the same time.

He was still staring at him, when Isak looked up and kind of stopped in all his movements. The doctor beside him said something, but Isak was turned towards Even completely, staring back, before he told the other guy something, sending him his way, and started walking towards Even.

Even had imagined the two of them meeting again. A million times. He had pictured airports, Isak being on vacation and running into him. He had pictured bars and clubs and hotels. For some reason he had never pictured hospitals.

Isak stopped right in front of him, and Even still couldn’t stop staring at him. He smelled like a drug that Even just couldn’t get enough of, and he looked at Even in a way that Even couldn’t place.

He didn’t know what to say, and he had no idea what Isak was about to say, because he had every right to hate him, he had every right to punch him, and Even sort of closed his eyes, preparing for all the hate that could hit him.

And let out a surprised gasp when he felt Isak hugging him tightly,

“I’m so fucking sorry, Even.”

They stayed like that for a while, Even clinging on to Isak tightly, breathing in the comforting scent, enjoying the warmth and the feeling of being held.

When Isak finally stepped back, Even cleared his throat and ran a hand over his face, hiding the few tears he couldn’t control,

“How did you know?” he asked, voice all raspy.

“The station Liv was admitted to is Sana’s. She saw the name and told me. I actually visited her a few times, over the last few days.”

Even frowned,

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Hm. She didn’t say anything. But then again, the two of you always had secrets from me,” Even tried to joke, and Isak smiled at him fondly.

When Isak looked him up and down, he did it with a certain glance, and Even could only assume that he looked at his patients like that, too, “Did you eat anything?” Isak asked, voice calm and a little concerned.

Even shook his head, because he was just too tired and too exhausted and too fucking sad to act like he was able to control any of this. He knew he probably looked pathetic, but he couldn’t hide it. He was too exhausted to try.

 

\--

 

Isak took him down to the cafeteria. It was so late that there wasn’t really anybody there. The food looked a little sad, but Even still went for a sandwich and a dry looking muffin.

He realized he didn’t have any money, except for American dollars, but Isak had already charged all of the food to his employment card.

Isak handed him a bottle of water, and started eating the pudding he got,

“So, I talked to Sana, and she said that Liv has really high chances of beating this. It’s still early, so the cancer hasn’t spread, so Sana is probably going to do an operation first, and then she’s going to have to get chemotherapy. But I really think that she’s going to be fine after that.”

“Yeah?”

“Breast cancer is a really bad illness, but when we find it early, it has good chances of recovery,” Isak nodded, smiling at Even, who took a bite of his sandwich.

“Okay,” he said, voice not as convinced as he hoped it would sound.

They ate quietly for some time, before Even spoke again,

“So, you and my mom… have you been keeping in touch?”

Isak smiled,

“Yeah. Not much, though. I just call her on her birthday and she calls me on mine, you know, stuff like that. We ran into each other a couple of times over the last few years and were catching up a little.”

Even looked down at the table, thinking about how he had forgotten his mom’s birthday last year, and he didn’t know how he felt about the fact that Isak had always been there to call her.

“I figured that she told you,” Isak said quietly, “sorry if it is weird for you.”

“It’s okay,” Even just said, taking a sip of the water, only to realize how thirsty he’s been.

“Do you need a place to stay or anything? Or are you staying at your mom’s?”

“Um. I’m going to stay at hers for now, I guess,” Even said.

“Okay. If you don’t want to be there, you know, I have a guest room. Or I could call Jonas, or something,” Isak offered.

“Um, no, that’s okay. Jonas and I aren’t really in contact anymore, you know. He kind of hates me.”

Isak chuckled,

“He’s over it, Even. So am I. And you should be, too.”

Somehow it hurt. The fact that Isak was _oh so casually_ telling him that he was over it. Of course he was. It had been almost 10 years, and of course Isak wasn’t hung up on him anymore. Neither was Even. Not at all.

Isak cleared his throat,

“I’ll talk to Sana tomorrow, so you don’t have stick to visiting hours or anything. I got Liv a private room, too, so you won’t bother anyone. And you can talk to Sana first thing tomorrow, she’ll explain everything to you. I already texted her, she’s available to talk. Liv’s getting the best care. I’m making sure of that.”

Even blinked his tears away, just nodding because he didn’t trust his voice.

“If you want, I can give you my number. Just in case you need anything, or there is anything that I can help with,” Isak suggested, licking his spoon clean before he put both the spoon and the pudding container on the tray beside him.

Even blamed his tired eyes, too exhausted to properly focus, on the fact that they had been lingering on how Isak’s tongue had gently curled around that spoon.

He cleared his throat, a little embarrassed,

“You don’t have to.”

“I just didn’t know if you have anybody in Oslo right now, Yousef told me that Mikael is going to be in Copenhagen for the next week or two… and I know what you’re going through, and you shouldn’t deal with it all by yourself. I’m just saying that I’m here.”

Even knew that Isak was a good person. Kind and caring. But he wasn’t like that to the people he hated, and it confused Even that he wasn’t a part of that group. Because Isak should hate him. He couldn’t not hate him after everything that had happened.

“Isak… why are you so nice to me?” Even asked, a little confused, but still got out his phone, opening the contacts.

“I told you, I’m over it. I spend a lot of time hating you, believe me, but I moved on.”

“Okay,” Even mumbled, handing over his phone, and Isak put his number into his contacts.

“Do you need a ride or anything?” he asked Even, when he had finished his food as well.

“No, I have a rental car here, it’s okay. Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Isak smiled at him again, and they walked to the main entrance together.

“Call me if you need anything,” Isak said, and Even nodded.

Isak smiled again, and then left, and Even blinked for a second, trying to figure out if this really had happened.

 

\--

 

It was weird how Even still knew the way home by heart. He didn’t even have to pay attention while he was driving, he knew all the streets by heart. Oslo was home, and he knew that, but it still surprised him how much of Oslo he remembered, so easily and effortlessly. Like it was imprinted in his brain, in all of him, just the pure feeling of home. Of having a place you belong in.

When he walked into his mother’s apartment, he had the same feeling. The feeling that he belonged here, that this was a place where he was safe from the sorrows of the world outside.

And even though he felt his mother, breathing in her scent, seeing her favorite paintings and pillows, just feeling her presence, was painful, the fear of losing her and everything he knew was home present and unbearable again, he still felt comforted by her. By the fact that she was still here, that she was still protecting him.

But then, something changed.

Because instead of his childhood home, safe and happy, he started seeing Isak.

He saw him everywhere. There were pictures on the fridge, family pictures, and Isak was in half of them. All four of them in London, Even and Isak holding hands, Liv’s hand on Isak’s back. All four of them skiing, Isak looking fucking cute in his beanie, sitting next to his dad. All four of them at Liv’s birthday, Isak cuddled up into Even’s arms. All four of them at Isak’s graduation, Isak beaming, a can of beer in his hand, Even’s lips on his cheek.

His mom even had a picture of Isak and Even together sitting on her desk, just a stupid selfie they took and gave her for some reason he didn’t remember.

He saw Isak sitting in his usual spot in the kitchen, he saw him watching stupid football games on the couch with his dad.

Even walked into his old room, and all of the images just got more intense. Isak was everywhere.

Moaning and panting in Even’s old bed, on his desk, on the couch, chilling on the windowsill, smoking, shotgunning, talking, sitting on the floor, eating cheese toasties, rapping, laughing.

It was too much.

It was painful and it was too much.

Even knew that he couldn’t change what happened ten years ago. It was done.

But being reminded of Isak like that, of Isak being there, being present, being his home, was painful in a way that Even had not been prepared for.

That night he decided to sleep in the guest room.

It didn’t ease the pain at all.

 

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla ♡ 
> 
> I hope everyone is having a nice and sunny Sunday!
> 
> A lot of you have been asking me if this story is going to have a happy ending. I can't really answer that and I don't want to, because I know that some of you enjoy not knowing and finding out as we go along. If you don't want to read this unless you kind of know the ending, just dm me on twitter (@skambition) if that's important to you.
> 
> Enjoy the new chapter!
> 
> alt er love ♡ be kind

* * *

 

The next few days felt unreal to Even, almost like he was caught in a dream that he couldn’t manage to wake up from. He tried to visit his mom as much as he could, he tried to take care of her apartment and take care of his movie in New York. He was always tired, exhausted, and it was just hard to understand what was happening right now.

He didn’t see Isak for a couple of days, and he had almost convinced himself that seeing Isak like that wasn’t that big of a deal, that seeing him or thinking about him didn’t break his heart into pieces.

When he saw him again, he was reminded of that fact in the worst way possible.

He had just spent the entire day with his mom at the hospital, talking and taking a walk and having a good time. He was tired, but he also felt quite happy. His mom seemed to be optimistic, so was Sana, who had been so welcoming and happy to see him, that Even had felt overwhelmed. He was confused by the fact that everyone was so nice to him, even though he had abandoned all of his friends like that back then. It was nice, though. It was like some things had never changed.

He heard Isak laugh before he saw him. It was still his favorite sound in the world.

Then he spotted him, leaning against a crazy expensive black car, looking up at some guy. His eyes were sparkling, and he was smiling widely.

Even swallowed hard when the guy ran his hand through Isak’s hair and kissed him. It wasn’t just a friendly peck, Even could basically see the guy’s tongue move into Isak’s mouth. Isak sighed and kissed back, one hand on the guy’s lower back, the other one lying on the guys back, pulling him even closer.

They looked so _happy_. So in love.

Even couldn’t stop watching, and he couldn’t speak, he just stood there, frozen, while the couple broke apart, and he heard Isak laugh again, a sweet little chuckle, before he suddenly saw Isak looking up and catching his eye.

Even looked away instantly, felt his cheeks heating up, and Isak softly pushed the guy away so that he could walk across the parking lot, over to Even,

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Even mumbled, still blushing, staring at his shoes.

“How are you?” Isak asked, all friendly, as if he wasn’t just dry-humping some dude against a sports car.

“Um. You know,” Even said, because what the _fuck_ was he supposed to say? He wished people would just stop asking him how he was. He didn’t have an answer.

“Did you talk to Sana?” Isak asked, and Even nodded,

“Yeah. Looks like mom can go home in a few days, and we only have to come in for a few appointments before they operate, and then every other day for the chemotherapy. I thinks that’s good, right?”

“That’s amazing, Even,” Isak said, smiling up to him, as the guy appeared next to Isak, moving his hand around Isak’s waist.

Isak moved into the touch instantly.

“Hey,” said the guy, looking at Isak with a tender smile “everything good?”

“Yeah,” Isak answered, “just talking to a friend. Julian, this is Even, Even this is Julian,” Isak gestured back and forth between them, “my boyfriend,” he added.

Julian let go of Isak to shake Even’s hand,

“Hey. Nice to meet you!”

“You too,” Even said quietly.

He was a little disappointed that the guy obviously didn’t know who he was. He had expected something else. A shocked “ _the_ Even?!” or a jealous look, _something_. But Julian didn’t look jealous, or uncomfortable, he looked perfectly happy and content, his hand still on Isak’s hip.

“I’ll wait in the car, okay? Let you guys catch up,” he offered, and Isak smiled at him thankfully,

“Thank you, baby. I won’t be long.”

“Take your time,” Julian said, and Even could barely stop himself from rolling his eyes.

That guy was so sweet, it was already annoying him.

Isak tilted his chin up, and Even felt his chest tighten at that move, and Julian leaned in, meeting Isak’s lips for a short but still lingering kiss.

“It was nice meeting you, Even,” Julian smiled at him.

“Mh,” Even murmured, and then Julian walked towards the obnoxious car, getting into it while looking at his phone.

“So,” Even said when he turned back to Isak, “that’s your boyfriend, huh?”

“Mh,” Isak smiled, “that’s my boyfriend. So you said Liv can go home the next few days? Do you know if they already planned when they’re going to operate?”

Even frowned, not really listening to anything Isak was saying,

“How long have you been together?”

“Huh?”

“You and that Julian guy,” Even clarified.

He didn’t know why he was this pissed about it. He was probably just tired and exhausted and annoyed by the whole situation.

“Um,” Isak said, sounding a little irritated, “about four years.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Um, I think I got to go, but I’m really happy about your mom, Even. I wanted to go visit her tomorrow, if that’s cool?”

“Yeah. Whatever.”

“Are you okay?” Isak asked, and Even wanted to yell at him.

Scream at him how the fuck _anything_ could be okay when your mother was lying in a fucking hospital, all of your friends had moved on with their lives without you, and your ex-boyfriend was _tilting his fucking chin up_ to get a kiss from his new boyfriend. And how _the fuck_ anything could be okay when you had absolutely no one to blame for all of that shit. Except maybe yourself.

Instead, Even took a deep breath, swallowing down on all anger and sadness and pure helplessness,

“Sure.”

Isak smiled at him, and started turning around to walk over to the fucking car, when Even spoke again,

“Hey, Isak, could we maybe, I don’t know, meet sometime? Just- I don’t know, catch up?”

Isak stopped walking, turning around again, and there was a frown on his face,

“I don’t know Even. It’s probably not the best idea. I’m here for you, if you need anything, but I don’t really want to hang out or anything. I hope that’s okay.”

And what should Even say to that.

So he just nodded and watched Isak getting into the car with that fucking Julian, who leaned over instantly, placing a sweet kiss on Isak’s lips, before driving off.

 

\--

 

“What did you expect, Even?” Mikael said, rolling his eyes, “it’s been ten years since you guys broke up.”

“I know,” Even groaned, “I don’t know why it bothers me so much. Isak deserves to be happy, and that guy seems to make him happy. I just- I have no idea why this is so hard for me.”

“Yeah, that’s such a head scratcher,” Mikael mumbled into his coffee cup.

Mikael was the only one of his friends that Even had managed to keep in touch with. All of his and Isak’s mutual friends had pretty much picked Isak’s side after their break up, and even though they had promised Even that they would stay friends, Even knew that he was the one who needed to step back. Except for Mikael, the only one who still checked up on Even, and even though they hadn’t been talking a lot, now that they were sitting in one of the new cafés that Even didn’t know existed, it still felt exactly like it always did, comfortable and easy.

Nevertheless, Even rolled his eyes, glaring at Mikael,

“I don’t have feelings for him anymore.”

“No, of course not. You left Norway, you never came back and avoided literally all of your old friends. And now you’ve spent the last-“ Mikael checked his watch, “twenty minutes complaining about the fact that his boyfriend has an expensive car?”

“I- It’s just- I guess I’m just confused, you know. You’re right, I haven’t been back here since we broke up, and it’s just bringing back a lot of memories. My mother literally still has all of our pictures put up in her apartment. She and Isak even kept in touch over the last years.”

Mikael hummed, then shrugged a little,

“Does that surprise you?”

“I don’t know,” Even breathed. He was annoyed. With Mikael, with the fucking coffee that didn’t taste like was used to, the fucking weather, the whole fucking situation. Maybe, he was mostly annoyed with himself.

“I mean, he basically lived at your house when you guys got together. He always had a pretty good relationship with your parents, especially your mom, and they both live here. Oslo’s not that big, it doesn’t surprise me that they run into each other from time to time and shit like that.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I don’t know. It’s just weird being that confronted with him all the time. I walked into my mom’s place and it was literally like being in a fucking time capsule. It’s like everything was still the way it was ten years ago,” Even sighed, burying his face in his hands.

“But it’s not ten years ago,” Mikael said softly, looking at Even, eyes serious, “it’s _now_. And now Isak is not yours anymore. He has a life and a relationship. And now, your mom is sick and she needs you. That’s what you need to focus on, Even.”

Even nodded, rubbing his hand over his face,

“I know. Fuck, I know. You’re right. It’s just so weird that non of this seems to affect him, you know. He just doesn’t care anymore.”

Mikael shrugged,

“He did offer you help with your mom and stuff. He still cares, he just cares on another level. And maybe that’s the level that you need to get to, too.”

Even took a sip of his coffee, nodding along,

“You’re right. Sorry I’ve been going on about this.”

Mikael smiled at him,

“That’s okay. I missed it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. If there’s anything you need, Ev, you know you can always call, right?”

Even smiled and nodded and he knew that he could consider himself lucky to have a friend like Mikael.

And still all he could think about was the way Isak had lifted his chin to ask his boyfriend to kiss him.

 

\--

 

“You can go home, you know,” Liv said with a caring smile, gently touching Even’s cheek.

“No way, I’m staying right here,” Even promised, touching her arm.

Liv patted his back,

“Well, that’s really sweet of you. They say those appointments don’t usually take that long, so I should be done in half an hour or so. Maybe we can go have coffee afterwards.”

“Whatever you need,” Even said, leaning down to kiss her cheek, “I’ll wait for you right here, okay?”

Liv smiled, her face suddenly lighting up a little when she spotted Isak behind Even,

“Hey Isak!”

“Hi Liv!” Isak beamed, walking towards them to give Liv a long, intimate hug.

Even clenched his jaw. If he didn’t know better he’d say that Isak was Liv’s family and he wasn’t. They seemed so close, so connected, and Even knew that it was his fault that he didn’t have that connection with his mom anymore.

Well, actually it was his fault that he didn’t have that connection with neither of them anymore.

“How are you holding up?” Isak asked.

“It’s going okay. Sana seems to think we’re on a good way. And Even has been taking such good care of me,” Liv praised, squeezing Even’s hand, “being his usual amazing self.”

Even tried to smile, but he just knew that she was lying.

He might be taking care of her now, but he hadn’t for quite some time now, and he hated himself for it.

“I can imagine,” Isak nodded, giving Even a warm smile.

“He’s been cooking for me all week,” Liv bragged, and Isak laughed,

“Yeah, he’s always been good at that,” he agreed, looking at Even again, and Even stared at him for a second too long.

“Bech Næsheim?” A nurse interrupted the moment, and Liv smiled at Even, patting his cheek,

“See you in half an hour, okay sweety?”

“Yeah,” Even nodded, and then she went into the room and Even was standing in the hallway with Isak.

They were quiet for a few moments, before Isak turned to look at him,

“Do I even need to ask?”

Even chuckled, and he hated that Isak knew him this well. He shook his head, running a hand through his hair.

“For what it’s worth,” Isak said, “Liv seems to be doing really good. She’s so happy that you’re here.”

“How do you know that?” Even asked with a frown.

“She kind of told me,” Isak admitted, bouncing on his feet, “I hope that’s not weird. I just wanted to let you know that you’re doing good.”

“I don’t feel like I am. I haven’t taken care of her in so long, and now I feel like whatever I do, it’s not enough,” Even sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“That’s bullshit, Even. She’s so proud of you and how you chose to live your life. And the second she needed you, you came back home. You’re an amazing son, and she knows that.”

_Not as amazing as you_.

But he didn’t say anything, he just took a deep breath and shrugged. He didn’t have it in him to agree with Isak or to object or to- do anything, really.

“Hey, you know maybe it would help if you got your mind off of things for a change,” Isak suggested, “Sana’s and Yousef’s daughter is turning five this weekend and they’re having a big party. Why don’t you come?”

Even frowned. Mikael had already invited him, but he had told him that he couldn’t come since he figured that Isak wouldn’t want him to.

“They’d love it if you came, and Jonas and the guys are going to be there and stuff. I mean, you have to do something other than hang out at the hospital for a change.”

Even cleared his throat,

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“No, of course not.”

“And, like, your boyfriend won’t mind, either?” Even asked.

Isak shrugged,

“No. Why would he?”

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to hang out with my boyfriend’s ex,” Even explained.

Isak shook his head,

“He doesn’t care about stuff like that. It’s totally cool, I promise.”

“Does he know, though?” Even asked.

Just let it go, just let it go, he told himself, but he just _had_ to ask. He had to know if that Julian guy was at least feeling a _little_ part of all the self-doubt and insecurity that Even was carrying around.

“Know what?”

“That you and I, you know,” Even said quietly, pushing his hands into his jeans pockets.

“You really think that I wouldn’t tell my boyfriend about my first love?” Isak asked, and he asked it so casually, so matter of factly, that it almost seemed like all of this didn’t affect him.

_Well._

_Maybe it didn’t._

“Anyway, I have to run,” Isak said, checking his beeper, “but I hope I’ll see you this weekend.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Even watched as Isak walked down the hallway. Maybe he should swing by that party.

He could imagine worse ways to spend his weekend, and if it gave him an excuse to hang out with Isak for some time, what could happen?

 

\--

 

Even felt completely out of place.

It felt weird, being at Sana’s and Yousef’s house. They obviously did really well, the house was huge and lovely, and the yard was already filling up with people. Even felt like this was some weird flashback to his youth, when he and Isak had attended birthdays and parties together, always cuddled up, kissing and joking with their friends.

He spotted Jonas, who met his gaze and walked towards him, pulling him into a hug,

“Even!”

Even was a little surprised, but hugged him back, “Hey!”

“Man, Isak told me about your mom, I’m so sorry”, Jonas said, patting Even’s shoulder.

“Mh. Thanks.”

“How have you been, though? Isak told me you live in New York now, that’s sick!”

Even frowned, wondering where Isak had heard that, because they hadn’t been in contact anymore when Even had moved, but then he figured that he had probably heard it from his mom. It felt weird, knowing that Isak had been getting updates on Even’s life all this time, and Even seemed to know _nothing_ about him anymore.

“Yeah, I just finished shooting a movie there, actually.”

“Wow, that’s amazing. So you’re really directing movies now?” Jonas asked.

“Yeah. I did some movies in L.A., and now it’s more short films and documentaries, but also movies, sometimes. It’s going really good.”

“That’s so awesome. I saw that one movie you made couple of years ago. _The silence of the sky_ or something? I almost choked on my popcorn when your name was in the credits all of a sudden,” Jonas laughed, taking a sip of this beer.

Even laughed with him, realizing how much he had missed Jonas’ carefree personality,

“So, what have you been up to?” he asked after a few moments.

“I actually got married a couple of years ago”, Jonas said, and he was smiling proudly, “to Eva.”

Even’s eyes grew wide,

“Really? You and Eva?!”

“Yeah, yeah. We’ve been together for over ten years now, and we got married four years ago,” Jonas smiled, beaming with pride.

He had all reason to.

_If I would still be with my high school sweetheart, I would be filled with pride as well._

Even swallowed down his bitterness and smiled at Jonas instead,

“Wow, that’s amazing. Congratulations!”

“Thank you. Our daughter is almost three, now, and Eva is pregnant again, so, lots of stress. But the good kind.”

Jonas used his beer bottle to point toward a beautiful little girl running around on the grass. She had the wildest dark curls, a gorgeous smile and seemed to burst with energy.

“So cute. What’s her name?” Even asked, because he wasn’t sure what you were supposed to ask about children.

“Isabell”, Jonas said proudly.

Even smiled, not missing who Jonas had probably named his daughter after,

“Pretty.”

“Thanks,” Jonas smiled, “how about you, though? Are you-“

Jonas was interrupted by his daughter letting out a happy, loud scream as she started running across the yard.

He chuckled,

“That can only mean one thing.”

“Isaaak!” Isabell screamed, throwing herself into Isak’s arms, who picked her up easily and swirled her around a couple of times, before he hugged her close to his chest, whispering something into her ear that made her giggle.

Even felt like his heart had been ripped out. It was like the world was showing him everything that he had given up, everything that he had fucked up.

_That could be your kid, and that could be your husband cuddling it._

He clenched his jaw when Isak started walking towards them with Isabell on his hip,

“Hey,” he greeted, giving Jonas a long hug.

“Dr. Valtersen,” Jonas teased, “not working for a change?”

“Nah, not today,” Isak grinned, “hey”, he greeted Even with a happy smile and Even just nodded.

“Where’s Julian?” Jonas asked, and Even had to stop himself from rolling his eyes.

“Parking the car,” Isak said, before turning back to Isabell, whispering something in her ear again, making her laugh, before he put her on the ground and she ran toward the yard again.

“You should really come by and babysit more often,” Jonas said, as Isak grabbed a beer.

“You’d have to pay what I usually make, and I’m not cheap,” Isak joked, running his hand through his hair.

Jonas looked up when he heard Isabell calling him, and left the two of them alone.

“I’m glad you came,” Isak said with a genuine smile, “How are you?”

“Fine. You?”

“I’m good.”

“Good.”

They were quiet for a couple of moments, before Even broke the silence,

“My mom still has a million pictures of you in her apartment.”

Isak laughed,

“What, seriously?”

“Yeah. Do you remember-“

“Hey baby,” Julian interrupted, hugging Isak from behind and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“Hi,” Isak answered, turning his head to get a proper kiss.

“Oh, hey, Even,” Julian greeted, “sorry, did I interrupt anything?”

“It’s fine,” Even mumbled.

“I’ll get myself something to drink. Sorry again, carry on,” Julian apologized to Even, running a hand through Isak’s hair, hand lingering on his cheek for a brief second, before he walked over to the house.

Even sighed. That guy made it really hard to hate him.

“You were saying?” Isak asked when Julian was gone.

“I’m- it’s nothing. Just a lot of memories,” Even said.

“Yeah.”

“I’m so happy for you, though. You really became a doctor, huh? That was the dream, right?” Even smiled, and Isak nodded,

“Yeah, sort of. I went back to medical school after- I mean, when I was back in Oslo. And I didn’t really have a life, so I graduated early. Making a lot of money now. It’s been good.”

“Perfect. I always wanted that for you, you know,” Even said quietly, lifting his water bottle.

“Mh. So, how’s directing been? I saw your documentary about how mental illness is portrayed in movies and TV series. I thought it was amazing.”

Even froze in his movement, looking at Isak,

“You saw that?”

“I saw everything you did”, Isak said, smiling.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Of course. You’re good at what you do, so.”

“Wow. I didn’t know you kept track of what I did.”

“Well, at first I was a little obsessive about it, but now I just enjoy good directing. I watch every movie you make. The one with the kid that deals with his mentally ill father… it’s a masterpiece.”

Even cleared his throat,

“I didn’t write it, or anything. I just got the script and felt like I had to do it.”

“Good thing you did. It’s such a great movie. It’s Julian’s favorite, actually.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“Yeah, he loves your work,” Isak nodded, “I really had to educate him on movies, though, when I met him he was much worse than I ever was.”

“Hard to believe.”

“Hey,” Isak laughed, punching Even’s shoulder.

They stayed quiet for another few moments, both of them taking sips out of their drinks, Isak taking in the people and the celebration going on around them, Even taking in Isak.

“Have you thought about what I asked you the last time?” Even asked eventually.

“Hm?”

“About us talking? Catching up?” Even asked.

“We’re doing that right now,” Isak shrugged.

“No, I meant, just the two of us,” Even clarified, carefully watching Isak’s reaction.

He winced. It was just the smallest movement, but it broke Even’s heart a little.

“I don’t know, Even,” Isak said, face still tense.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t see the point. We obviously aren’t going to be with each other ever again, and I honestly don’t think that we can ever be friends, either,” Isak said.

He didn’t say it in a bitter tone, he said it like it was a fact, a fact that he didn’t really feel emotional about. Like he was telling Even that two and two equaled four.

_That’s all I am to him now. A fact._

It broke Even’s heart.

He stared at Isak for a moment, hoping that he couldn’t see the hurt look on Even’s face,

“We haven’t seen each other for almost ten years, though”, he tried again, “maybe you do want to be friends with me. A lot has changed.”

“Have you? Changed, I mean?” Isak asked, his face painted with obvious doubt.

“Probably. Come on, Isak. Please?”

“I- Even, it’s just… after everything that happened-“

“You said you were over it,” Even reminded him.

“I am, I really am. But it’s just… my life’s really good now, the way it is. I don’t really have a reason to… hang out with you. I have other people in my life now, people that didn’t hurt me like that.”

“I’m- Isak, I’m sorry. Can we just talk about it? Please?”

Isak took a deep breath,

“Maybe. I have to think about it.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“I was just-“

“Isaaaak! Uncle Isak, can we play ball with you and Uncle Julian?” Isabell asked, bouncing up and down and already pulling on Isak’s sleeve.

“Of course we can, baby girl,” Isak said, picking her up, “shouldn’t be hard to win against Uncle Julian,” he added, loud enough for Julian to hear, who lifted his middle finger towards Isak.

“Talk to you later?” Isak asked towards Even, who smiled and nodded.

 

\--

 

They didn’t talk later, and Even ended up standing next to Mikael, watching Isak and Julian.

Or, well, he was watching them, Mikael was talking about something that had happened at work.

It was not that exciting to watch them, actually, because they were a pretty subtle couple. Even remembered how he and Isak had looked at parties like these, finding a dark corner to make out, pressed against each other against walls and cars and kitchen counters. He couldn’t help but think that Isak looked much happier now.

Most of the time, he and Julian weren’t even touching, to everyone else they would seem like a normal, adult couple that had been together for years. But Even saw all the little details.

He saw how Isak leaned into every small touch Julian offered, he saw how Julian smiled when he looked at Isak. He saw how Isak grinned and teased and laughed, how they were so harmonious with each other, so in synch. They talked to their friends, laughing and smiling, their hands brushing together every other second, Julian’s hand on Isak’s knee, Isak’s hand on Julian’s thigh every other moments, their bodies and minds so close to each other, and it made Even burst with sadness.

_He never looked like that with me. We never had that level of calm, natural happiness._

“Even? Even!”

Even looked at Mikael, who rolled his eyes,

“Did you listen to anything I just said?!”

Even cleared his throat, his hands curling into fists, his jaw clenched as he shook his head.

“What’s going on?” Mikael asked with a soft sigh.

“I think I’m still in love with him,” Even choked out, turning his head again, and he couldn’t help but feel like crying when he saw Isak chuckle into a small kiss, pulling back to look at Julian with a loving smile. He looked so fucking happy.

Mikael sighed,

“I know.”

Even frowned, looking back at Mikael,

“What do you mean, you know?”

“Could you be any more obvious?” Mikael asked, gesturing towards Isak and Julian.

Even rolled his eyes, risking another glance at the happy couple before he shook his head,

“I really thought I could take it, seeing him like that, I just- I have to get out of here.”

“I’ll come with you.”

 

\--

 

They were sitting at some bar, the quiet, cozy kind. It was almost empty, and Even was thankful for that. He was staring at his beer, ignoring Mikael, who was sitting opposite of him.

“Better?” Mikael asked after Even had finished his first beer.

“Mh,” Even hummed, “It’s just too fucking hard to see them together. I can’t handle that.”

“I had no idea you still felt like that. I mean, I saw how you looked at him, but I just assumed that the last few years you…”

“Moved on?” Even suggested, sighing heavily.

“Sort of?” Mikael said, wincing a little.

“I have. Sort of. Just being back here- I don’t know. Maybe I was just trying to convince myself that I had moved on or… I don’t know.”

Mikael nodded, thinking about it for a second, before he leaned forward just a little bit, looking at Even with a questioning look,

“Ev, can I ask you a question?”

“Mh.”

“You know, I always figured that ten years ago, you were the one who broke up with Isak, because he was so fucking _devastated_ when he came back, and because he _refused_ to talk about it and Jonas was so insanely furious with you. I just- seeing you like this, seeing how much you still love him, it just doesn’t make any sense anymore. I know that you don’t want to talk about it, or whatever, but- what the _hell_ happened between you and Isak ten years ago?”

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're going to get some answers the next chapter and it's probably not going to be easy to hear what happened between them. Any guesses?  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and the story in general, even though it's different from what I usually write.  
> Thanks for reading, and know that every comment is deeply appriciated ♡ So much love to all of you ♡


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla ♡ 
> 
> I hope everyone had a good May 12th anniversary!
> 
> Please don't hate me for this chapter, remember that this is just fiction and you're free not to read it.
> 
> For everyone who likes drama, enjoy!
> 
> alt er love ♡ be kind

* * *

 

_10 years earlier_

_“Hey baby,” Isak called when he got home, unlocking the door to the apartment they shared with two other guys, walking into his and Even’s room._

_It wasn’t ideal, sharing only one room with each other, in an apartment with two other guys. It got exhausting more times than not, but they were okay most days. They couldn’t afford anything else, anything bigger, so they just made it work._

_Isak looked exhausted, his clothes smelled like burgers and fried chicken, his hair was beyond greasy, his eyes seemed a little dull._

_He looked endlessly tired._

_Somehow, in a way that Even would never ever understand, Isak’s face still lit up when he saw Even._

_Even really didn’t know how Isak, his smart, amazing Isak, could work 10-hour shifts of such a shitty job, coming home smelling like a bag of McDonald’s takeout, and still had it in him to smile and beam and shine for Even. He still looked at Even like he hung the moon for him, even after 10 hours of working, working to help pay their rent, and it broke Even’s heart a little._

_“Hey,” Isak repeated, voice softer now, walking over to Even to kiss him._

_When Isak leaned in for one of their_ it’s good to be home _kisses, Even held onto his neck, pulling him closer. He pressed his body against Isak’s, held on to his hips, pushed one of his hands into Isak’s hair, sighed into the kiss as their tongues started to find each other, dancing in the rhythm they both knew the other one loved. Even’s mind was racing, and his hands were hectic. He needed this, he needed to feel Isak, needed to remember his taste and how his hips fit so ridiculously perfect into Even’s hand. He needed to remember Isak’s mouth and the tiny, quiet sigh that Isak made every time they kissed. He needed to remember all of it, all of Isak._

_“Mmmm,” Isak hummed, eyes still closed, when they both pulled back a little, “maybe we should annoy our roommates a little and break the_ no sex in the shower _rule,” he smirked, swaying his body against Even’s._

_When he opened his eyes, hoping to find Even’s already sparkling with lust and excitement, they stared at him with a look that Isak had never seen on his boyfriend._

_Even was breathing heavy, holding on to Isak for dear life, obviously trying to hold back his tears._

_“Baby, what’s wrong?” Isak asked, sounding concerned, his hand lying on Even’s cheek, gently lifting his chin up so that he could look at him._

_“We need to- I need to tell you something,” Even choked out._

_“Okay. I’ll take a shower real quick, and then I’ll make us some tea and-“_

_“No, I need to tell you something_ now _,” Even shook his head, still looking down, his voice small and scared and his hands shaking._

_“Even, you’re scaring me,” Isak admitted, putting both of his hands on Even’s cheeks, leaning their foreheads together,_

_“It’s going to be okay. I love you. Whatever happened, we’ll get through it. I’m right here, baby.”_

_“I- I fucked up.”_

_“Whatever happened, Ev, I’m sure it’s not as bad as-“_

_“I cheated on you,” Even whispered, and almost started to sob right there, when Isak let go of his cheeks, stepping back, shaking his head,_

_“Don’t joke about shit like that.”_

_“I’m not.”_

_Isak cleared his throat,_

_“What do you mean, you’re not? What the fuck happened?”_

_Even swallowed hard, still not looking at Isak,_

_“The party last week. Something happened. I- I’m so sorry, Iss, I really am-“_

_“You are lying, I know that you’re lying, Ev. Tell me what’s really going on,” Isak pleaded, running a hand through his hair._

_“I- I’m not, Isak.”_

_“You don’t cheat,” Isak said with a frown, still trying to_ understand _what was happening, “I know you, and you’re not the kind of person that cheats.”_

_“I’m so sorry,” Even mumbled, shaking by now, staring at his hands, “I’m sorry about everything, but-“_

_“Just tell me what happened,” Isak said, hands shaking too, now, leaning against the window sill of their room, staring at Even who was still leaning against their mess of a desk, eyes glued to the floor._

_Even basically saw how his words broke Isak, how they broke something inside him that Even himself had fixed a couple of years ago. Isak had trusted him so effortlessly, so naturally, after not trusting anyone for quite some time – and Even was now taking that away, Isak’s ability to trust, to love._

_“There was a guy,” Even said quietly._

_Isak bit the inside of his cheek, nodding,_

_“And?”_

_“He flirted with me. I sort of flirted back. I was drunk, and it was just harmless fun, and then it- wasn’t anymore.”_

_“What happened?”_

_“Isak, do you really want to hear-“_

_Isak took a deep breath, running a hand through his greasy hair again,_

_“Just tell me what happened, Even. Did he kiss you?”_

_Even nodded quietly, and carefully looked up at Isak, who stared at Even with wide eyes, clenching his jaw._

_“Did- did anything else happen? Or was it just that kiss?” Isak asked, voice shaking._

_“We went up to a room,” Even whispered, swallowing again, not looking at Isak anymore._

_“You went up to a room? What did you do in there?”_

_“Isak-“_

_“No! Fuck, I want to know what the fuck happened in that room!”_

_“We had sex. I- we made out, and then the next thing I remember is fingering him, and then we- we had sex. It wasn’t good, or anything, and we-“_

_“Oh my fucking god, Even!” Isak gasped, hiding his face in both of his hands, composing himself for a second, his breath heavy._

_“I’m so sorry, Iss, I’m so so sorry, I just- I was drunk, and I wasn’t thinking-“_

_“Just please tell me you’re kidding, please say that this isn’t true,” Isak mumbled into his hands, shaking his head, “this isn’t you, Ev, I know this isn’t true.”_

_“I’m so sorry.”_

_“Did you use a condom?”_

_“What?”_

_“Tell me that you used a fucking condom when you fucked some random guy that isn’t your fucking boyfriend!” Isak yelled at him, and Even nodded quickly, holding his hands up,_

_“Yeah, yes, I did.”_

_“And you’re telling me this now? When we are supposed to leave for L.A. in a couple of weeks?”_

_“I’m sorry, I thought about just not telling you, because- fuck, I don’t want to lose you, I really, really don’t want to lose you. And it doesn’t change how I feel about you, not one bit. I still love you, and I still want you in my future, I just-“_

_“Then why, Even, why the fuck did you tell me?!”_

_“Because I just had to. That’s what we do, that’s what we promised each other, remember? To be honest, all the time. I couldn’t not tell you about this.”_

_Isak took a deep breath, nodding quietly, running his hands through his hair, pacing around their room for a few minutes, while the tension between them became somewhat unbearable._

_“If you love me,” Isak said quietly, pushing his hands into his pockets as he stopped pacing, just stood there, looking at Even, “If you actually love me, then why the fuck wasn’t I on your mind when you fucked him? How the fuck didn’t the fact that you have a boyfriend cross your mind once?”_

_Even shook his head, holding up his hands,_

_“It did, of course it did. I just- baby, I don’t know how to explain it, but even though you were on my mind, it just- everything happened so quickly, and before I knew what I was doing…”_

_“Just shut the fuck up,” Isak sighed, getting a dirty towel off the floor, “I’m going to take a shower, and when I get out, I want you to be fucking gone.”_

_“Isak, we have to talk about this-“_

_“Not tonight. If we talk about this shit tonight, I’m just going to say stuff I regret. So if you want any chance at all of this working, you’ll leave me along tonight.”_

_When Isak came out of the shower that night, Even was gone. It broke Isak’s heart all over, and when he cried himself to sleep later that night, he just knew, deep in his heart, that this would be the end of it._

_\--_

_They broke up four days later._

_When Even had come home the day after his confession, they had tried to talk, and it had resulted in a lot of screaming and crying and fighting._

_Isak threw Even out, and they both slept alone again._

_The second day, Isak was calmer. He still cried when they talked, but it wasn’t the kind of talk that would result in Isak forgiving him, and Even knew it. It was the kind of crying that said that this was over for good._

_They spent two more days like that, crying, talking, fighting, screaming._

_Before Isak finally broke up with Even for good. They both cried, they hugged each other, they had sex._

_It was the most intense and painful experience either of them had ever had, as they were trying to say with their bodies what they couldn’t with their words, as they were holding each other so tightly, trying to give each other pleasure, trying to hold on._

_Isak cried when they were done, and so did Even._

_They were lying in bed, like they had done countless times, Isak’s head on Even’s chest, and even though it felt familiar, it also felt wrong, like they didn’t belong anymore._

_“I should pack,” Isak said quietly, voice still raspy, slowly pulling away._

_“Yeah,” Even choked out, but didn’t let go of Isak, “just five more minutes.”_

_“Yeah,” Isak agreed quietly, “just five more minutes.”_

_Even wished that they could just lie like that forever, holding each other, finding comfort in each other. He really didn’t want to let go._

_But eventually, Isak got up, leaving Even feeling cold and alone in their bed._

_When the five minutes were over, so were they._

_\--_

_“I told you to stop calling me,” Isak said, sounding impatient._

_And hurt._

_So hurt._

_“This is over, Even. We are over. We need to start acting like it.”_

_Even bit his lip, nodding, staring at the flight information on the board in front of him. He only had a couple more minutes until he had to board the plane, and he didn’t want this to end._

_They had broken up weeks ago, but they had been in contact from time to time, and during those talks, Isak had either cried or screamed at him. Now, now that Even wanted him to cry and scream, he seemed calm, and Even hated it._

_It felt like the final goodbye, calling Isak from the airport where they both were supposed to be, where they were supposed to go to L.A. together._

_“I just needed to talk to you for a second before I left for L.A.,” Even admitted, rubbing a hand over his face._

_“Why?”_

_“I don’t know. If you don’t want me to go, I won’t. If you want me to come to Oslo right now, I will.”_

_“I don’t want you to.”_

_“It feels weird. Flying to L.A. without you.”_

_“Yeah, well, maybe you should have thought about that before you fucked someone else,” Isak snapped, and Even closed his eyes for a second, trying to breathe._

_“Sorry,” Isak said, but he didn’t sound like he meant it, “the thing is, Even, that you need to go do what you love. You wouldn’t be happy back here in Oslo. I can’t forgive you for what you did, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to be happy… eventually. So you need to go. And I need to be here in Oslo, where I have friends and people I can trust.”_

_And I’m not one of them anymore, Even realized._

_“Okay,” he just said, “I want that for you, too. Figure out what you love, and then go do it.”_

_“Mhm,” Isak hummed, not sounding very optimistic about it._

_“And, I don’t know, call me. If you ever change your mind and do want me to come back, I will, you know. Or if you want to talk, or if you-“_

_“Even,” Isak interrupted, “as much as I want that, I can’t do that. This is over, we are over. We need to start acting like it.”_

_“I still love you,” Even choked out, tears stinging in his eyes._

_It was quiet for a long time, all that Even could hear was Isak’s breathing._

“This is the last call for flight A21 to Los Angeles,” _it was suddenly announced through the speakers._

_“Well, I guess that’s you,” Isak said, and Even could basically hear the tears in his voice._

_“Bye Isak,” Even said quietly, and Isak hung up._

_And they didn’t talk again for the next ten years._

_\--_

 

 

Now

 

“Shit,” Mikael said quietly, taking a deep breath.

“Mhm,” Even hummed, rubbing a hand over his face.

He hadn’t expected for the memories to be this hard. But they still were, all the mistakes he made, the way he had lost Isak, it was still there and it was still present, and he couldn’t escape it. He had been able to avoid it, in L.A. and in New York, but now, it was like all of it had happened yesterday.

“I had no idea,” Mikael mumbled, shaking his head, “sounds fucking intense.”

“It was,” Even admitted.

“I mean I know you fucked up something, with the way you were avoiding all of us and the way Jonas was so pissed about it for months, but Isak never talked about it, and I just figured… but shit, that sounds…” Mikael trailed off, wincing, obviously imagining Even’s pain.

“It was,” Even repeated, “I fucked it up with him. Forever. He doesn’t want me back, and I understand it.”

“Mh,” Mikael hummed, chewing on a french fry before he looked at Even with squinted eyes,

“So you decided to tell him that you cheated on him?”

“Mhm.”

“And then he couldn’t forgive you for that.”

“Mhm.”

“And that’s why you broke up, and he didn’t want you to come to Oslo, so you went to L.A. by yourself.”

“Yeah.”

“Can I just ask you one question about that?” Mikael asked, his eyes drilling into Even.

“Sure. What.”

“When you told him that you cheated on him… was that true? Did you really cheat on Isak?”

Even swallowed, before he slowly shook his head,

“No. Of course I didn’t.”

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I know we only kind of know what happpened now, but we do know what happened from Isak's perspective and we're going to learn more about why Even did what he did (it's probably quite obvious anyways).  
> The next chapter should be up soon, I'm really not trying to make you wait or anything, it's just a lot of real life shit going on, so I don't always have time to post. But it's hopefully not going to take as long and we'll find out more about Even and how he's going to be around Isak after realizing he still loves him. Thanks for all of your support and I hope you have a good day, whereever you are, and that you're being kind to yourself ♡


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla ♡
> 
> I know most of you really want to know why Even did what he did, but it's going to be a little while before we find out. Since some of you asked, this story is probably going to have 7 chapters.
> 
> I'll try to be quicker with updates, since I have most of the story already planned out and most of it already written, but it always takes me time to change things and edit them and stuff, and I'm just pretty busy at the moment. But I'll try.
> 
> Have fun reading or feel free not to if you don't like this story ♡
> 
> alt er love ♡ be kind

* * *

Liv was operated on the following Wednesday, and Even hated everything about it.

He hated that she was the one telling him that everything was going to be okay. He hated that he was the one who was nervous and she was the one who had to calm him down. He felt like a kid, he felt like was a helpless, little, 12 year old boy.

He wanted to be like Isak. He wanted to be all professional smile and white coat and perfect hair, he wanted to find the right words and have the ability to take Liv’s hand into his to make it all better.

It killed him that he couldn’t be the son Liv needed today.

Although, if he was honest, maybe he didn’t want to be _like_ Isak, maybe he just wanted Isak.

His professional smile and his calming scent and his warm hand in his.

“It’s all going to be okay,” Liv told him, for what felt like the 100th time, when they were sitting in the waiting room.

“I should be the one telling you that,” he mumbled, letting his head hang a little, disappointed in his own lack of strength.

“You’re still my baby,” she told him with a soft smile, gently patting his cheek for a second.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, feeling even more miserable all of a sudden.

“About what, little one?”

“Not being here all those years. Being such a shitty son. I know I need to be here for you, and yet you’re the one comforting me.”

“You moved on with your life, you chose a career you love and you were successful in it. You moved to places that make you happy, and you had to leave your home for that, to live the life you chose. Even, that’s how it’s supposed to be,” Liv smiled, kissing his cheek, before she took his hand, looking more serious now,

“Sweety, the only thing I want from you is to be happy. I have been incredibly proud of you all those years, and I knew that you were living exactly the life you’re supposed to live. And now, that I need you, you’re here. Stop worrying, Even. You’re an amazing son.”

Even sighed, his breath shaky,

“Just not as good as Isak.”

Liv frowned,

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been in touch all those years. He’s the one calling you on your birthday. He knew about all of this before I did. And while I was still trying to get a flight here, he was already making sure you got better. I know if he would be here right now he’d calm you down, he’d know what to say. And-“

“Even, stop,” Liv ordered, shaking her head.

“I’m sorry, I know this is not the time for stuff like that,” Even admitted, sighing again, “I’ve just been feeling like shit.”

“Baby, I’m not going to lie. Isak does have a very special place in my heart. And he had a very special place in your dad’s heart, too. But you don’t only have a place in my heart. Even, you _are_ my heart. All of it. Okay? And you’re the most amazing son I could have asked for. And we’re going to get through this.”

Even couldn’t help but tear up a little when he pulled his mom into a long, comforting hug. He held her close and allowed himself to get the comfort that he felt like he had been missing out on for the last ten years. The comfort that he had both wanted and feared for most of the time.

“I’m going to be here,” he promised, “and we’re going to get through this. Whatever you need. I promise you.”

“I know, honey,” Liv said, voice a little shaky as well.

 

\--

 

Even sat in the waiting area, not moving a muscle. He was thirsty and he was tired and he knew he had to stay right here, until he knew his mom was okay.

“Hey.”

Even looked up. He didn’t have it in him to put on a brave face for Isak, especially since he knew Isak would see right through him anyways.

It was ridiculous how well Isak knew him. Maybe because he was the only person who ever really got to know Even, with all of his sides and faults and facets.

So he just shrugged and half-smiled,

“Hi.”

“Do you want some company or would you rather wait by yourself?” Isak asked quietly, and Even shrugged.

Isak apparently took that as a sign that Even didn’t mind him being here, and sat down beside him.

Even could smell him. It was weird, because Isak was sitting in the seat next to him, far enough away, and he wasn’t smelling badly or using a ton of perfume. His scent was subtle, and it was unrealistic that Even could smell it. Sense it.

But he could, maybe because he had missed that smell so fucking much, maybe because it was the only thing comforting him right now.

“Did you enjoy the party?” Isak asked, attempting to distract Even from the fact that they were waiting for a nurse to tell them if his mom was okay.

“Yeah. Thanks for inviting me.”

“Not a problem.”

“I talked to Jonas, actually. I missed him,” Even said, almost smiling at the memory. He had always cherished Jonas as a friend, but he just couldn’t stay in touch after everything that had happened with Isak.

“He told me that he was really happy to see you, too. I’m sure he missed you just as much.”

“I didn’t know he and Eva got married,” Even said after a few moments, trying to keep the conversation going.

Isak chuckled softly, no regret or anger in his voice,

“Yeah, pretty amazing, isn’t it?”

“Mhm. Their daughter is really cute.”

“Yeah, she’s a handful,” Isak grinned, leaning back in his chair a little, “I love her, though. I really need to spend more time with her, she’s such an amazing kid. But I’m sure when the little one is born, I’m going to be on babysitting duty nonstop.”

Even smiled, even though he didn’t feel like it, and nodded.

He wondered if Isak wanted to have kids of his own. If he and Julian had talked about it. They had good chances when it came to adoption, Even was sure of it. But they would have to be married. Maybe they had already talked about that, too. It wasn’t like he would know about any of that.

He didn’t ask, though.

It wasn’t the right time.

Plus, he was terrified of Isak’s answers.

“What are you working on, at the moment? Another movie, right?” Isak asked instead.

Even cleared his throat,

“Mhm, yeah. We finished shooting, and now it needs to be edited and stuff like that.”

“Ah. Sounds good. Are you usually part of that editing process?”

“Yeah, mostly. This time, I can only skype with my colleagues from time to time, when they need to make certain decisions, you know. But it’s okay. It’s more important for me to be here.”

“Can you tell me what it is about?” Isak asked with a curious look.

So they sat in the waiting area together and talked about Even’s new movie for another hour.

It felt light. Easy. Natural.

It somehow felt like coming home all over again.

 

\--

 

The operation went perfectly, and Even couldn’t have been more relieved about it.

He stayed with his mom the whole day, taking care of her after she had woken up from the anesthesia, talking to her, keeping her company.

She was still recovering, but Sana checked up on them about five times over the afternoon, and assured both of them that everything looked great.

Even made sure that Liv was asleep a couple of times, watching over her for at least an hour, before he made his way out of the hospital, tired and relieved and emotional.

“Hey.”

Even looked up, surprised to see Isak leaning against the wall in the lobby, smiling at him.

“Hi,” Even said, “what’s up?”

Isak shrugged, and for a second Even could swear that there was a slight blush spreading across his cheeks,

“I just wanted to check if you were okay.”

“Oh,” Even said, a little surprised, “that’s nice.”

“Are you?” Isak asked, looking at Even with his worried doctor gaze.

“Mhm. As okay as I can be right now, I suppose.”

“That’s something,” Isak nodded, and Even heard that Isak’s phone started vibrating, “sorry,” Isak apologized, turning to the side a little when he answered the call,

“Hey baby.”

Even took a deep breath. Of course. Julian had a way of interrupting their talks even when he wasn’t present.

“Yeah, no, I’m just talking to Even for a second… yeah, everything went good. I’ll do that. I’ll be home in twenty, okay?” Isak said quietly, followed by a sweet, loving laugh,

“Yeah, promise. I love you.”

He giggled, an actual blush spreading across his cheeks now,

“We’ll see about that,” he flirted, making Even’s stomach turn, “see you babe.”

He hung up, clearing his throat when he turned back to Even,

“Sorry, that was just-“

“Yeah, I heard,” Even said with a fake smile, and Isak nodded,

“He says hi.”

Even wondered why. He couldn’t figure Julian out, he seemed like such a nice guy, but a part of Even had a hard time believing it.

So he just nodded, unsure of what to say.

The silence between them was suddenly uncomfortable, and Even knew that it shouldn’t be. Isak didn’t know about Even’s feelings, and there was no reason why he shouldn’t talk to his boyfriend in front of Even like that. Still, it felt odd.

“Um, anyway,” Isak finally said, shifting around a little, “I have to go. Are you sure that you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I am,” Even nodded, “thank you for waiting and checking on me.”

“Yeah, of course,” Isak shrugged, smiling shyly.

“Have a good night, Isak,” Even said, his smile sincere now, “say Hi to Julian,” he added.

It felt appropriate to try.

“I will. Thank you. See you around?”

“Mhm.”

They nodded at each other again, smiling, before Isak left to get to his car, and Even did the same. Maybe he could actually deal with this, he thought. Maybe being Isak’s friend could be good enough.

Knowing that Isak cared about him was worth a lot, and talking to him was great.

Maybe this could be just fine for now.

 

\--

 

It wasn’t.

Seeing Isak only got harder and harder over the next few weeks. They didn’t see each other much, but it still felt like Even couldn’t escape him. Partly because everything in Oslo reminded him of Isak.

Sometimes they saw each other at the hospital, Isak looking nothing less than radiant in his clean, white coat, sometimes they saw each other when they hung out with their friends, Isak looking like he was glowing with happiness, leaning into Julian’s side.

Even hung out with his old friends much more now, he got invited to parties and just to hang out, not only with Mikael and his old friends from Bakka, but also by Jonas and Magnus and Mahdi. It was chill and easy and nice to have people to talk to, who still saw in him what Even himself felt had lost years ago.

But even when he didn’t see Isak, he _felt_ him constantly.

He remembered certain coffee shops, where he and Isak had lazily made out by the window, he remembered how Isak had complained about his exams, and how he had tasted like coffee when Even had kissed all of the grumpiness away.

He remembered supermarkets, where Isak had rolled his eyes over Even’s way too healthy choices of food, giggling and laughing when they playfully fought over a certain cereal.

He remembered parks, benches, rivers and bridges, where they had held hands and kissed and loved each other.

It was eating him alive, in an agonizing way, and Even slowly realized that he had been wrong.

Oslo was not his home.

Isak was.

 

\--

 

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” Mikael half said, half yelled at Even over the music.

They were hanging out at some bar that everyone seemed to love, and Even knew that he didn’t have an answer for Mikael.

He stared at Isak and Julian, who were laughing and dancing on the small, cozy dancefloor, and just shrugged.

“Seriously, Even. Just go home and stop torturing yourself,” Mikael tried again.

“Do you honestly think that I’m going to be better when I’m home? The place where we fell in love, the place where my mother has what feels like a million pictures of Isak up on the walls?”

Mikael rolled his eyes,

“Fine, then let’s just get out of here. Let’s go somewhere else, and just eat and hang out. This is not healthy, Even.”

“There’s no way to escape him anyway,” Even mumbled, staring at the beer in his hand. It was probably lukewarm by now, and somehow, that just fit Even’s evening perfectly, “might as well have a front row seat and get used to it.”

“Fine,” Mikael sighed, holding his hands up in defeat, “whatever, man. I’m going to get myself a beer.”

Even just nodded, altering between staring at his beer and staring at Isak.

He was leaning against the bar, Julian next to him, and they were talking about something now. Isak was rolling his eyes fondly, laughing a little while Julian gestured around with his hands. Julian reached forward and gently patted Isak’s hips, right above his hipbone, before leaning in and gently kissing his neck. Even saw how Isak’s eyes fell shut, and he closed his own as well, before he continued to stare at his beer instead.

Even didn’t have the worst time ever. Magnus came by a little later and he and Even talked for an hour about Magnus’ job and about New York and about all the people from Nissen that Magnus was still in contact. Apparently, Penetrator Chris had moved to London for a while as well, before he had come back and started dating Sara. It surely wasn’t Even’s favorite topic of conversation, but it was good enough to distract him from Isak preening under Julian’s attention.

When Magnus went to talk to some girl he worked with an hour later, Even decided to call it a night. He was a little tipsy, he felt miserable and Isak hadn’t even looked at him all night. He was fed up with the pitiful looks Mikael kept throwing him, and he just couldn’t watch Isak dry humping his boyfriend anymore.

“Hey,” he suddenly heard Isak’s voice when he was almost out of the door, turning around in defeat.

Isak looked beautiful, even in the weirdly dimmed lights of the bar. He was a little sweaty, a little out of breath – probably from the dancing, but the fact that he could look like that from _something else_ made Even just explode with jealousy.

“You’re already leaving?” Isak asked, tilting his head in question.

Even shrugged,

“Yeah. Not that I don’t enjoy watching you grind against your fucking boyfriend all night, but I figured I got enough for today.”

Isak stopped smiling, a frown spreading across his face, and Even hated himself. He used to be the person that made Isak stop frowning and made smiles appear on his pretty face.

But apparently, that was all in the past.

“What?” Isak asked, shaking his head a little, obviously not sure if he had heard Even correctly.

“You know, Isak, you’re beyond fucking happy and you moved on and I get it. You don’t have to sit me down and show it to me every fucking night,” Even spat out between clenched teeth.

“That’s not-“ Isak started, looking confused.

“That’s not what you’re doing? My life sucks, and you know that, and your life is perfect, and you made damn sure that I know that. You won the breakup, congratulations,” Even said, tone annoyed and hurt and just done, “now go back to your boyfriend and leave me alone.”

“Even, I-“

“What’s going on?” Julian asked, appearing behind Isak like he fucking always did, and Even just rolled his eyes,

“Nothing. I was just congratulating Isak on the fact that his life is so much better than mine.”

Julian looked at Even confused, before he looked at Isak, even more confused,

“Baby, what’s going on?”

Even stared at Isak for a second longer, before he simply turned around and left.

He asked some drunk guy for a cigarette before he went down the street a little, sitting down on an abandoned bench, staring at the very mediocre view in front of him. He knew he messed up, he knew it wasn’t okay to treat Isak like that, but he just couldn’t handle it anymore.

He realized that this wasn’t even about him being in love with Isak, at least not only about that. He just felt… less. Next to Isak, so successful and happy and mature, next to Jonas, married and in love, next to all of his friends. All of them seemed to have a place to call home, people in their lives they could trust, they all seemed happy and content with who they were.

And then there was Even. He felt sad and out of place. He felt like he didn’t know who he was anymore, who he wanted to be. After he and Isak had broken up, he had chosen that new version of himself, he had been busying himself with work and his creativity, he had been okay with that version of himself. But right now, it felt wrong. It felt like he wasn’t himself anymore, and he had no idea how to get back to feeling okay with himself.

He didn’t feel like he had a home, he had very few people who he trusted.

Most importantly, though, he started to feel regret for all the choices he had made.

 

Even could almost sense Isak’s footsteps, he just knew that it had to be him.

“There’s no point in telling you that smoking is really unhealthy, right?”

Even breathed out an unamused laugh,

“Thought I got away from all the cancer talk for a night,” he said, not really pissed, just tired of it.

Isak nodded, not saying anything else as he sat down next to Even on the backrest of the bench. The music from the bar was still audible here, but much more quiet.

Even frowned,

“What are you doing here? Where’s Julian?”

“He’s pissed, so he went home.”

“Why didn’t you go with him?” Even asked, even though he didn’t really care. Not right now. He was so done caring right now. He just wanted to sit here and smoke a cigarette in peace, listen to the sounds of the city instead of the sounds of his thoughts for a change.

“I’m pissed, too,” Isak said, as if that was an answer to anything.

Even nodded along, feeling guilty again. He knew Isak worked hard and he deserved to have a night out where he could dance and make out with his boyfriend without Even fucking it up. Apparently all he knew how to do anymore was fuck up other people’s lives.

Well, not other people’s lives in general, Even thought.

Isak’s.

“I’m sorry,” he said, blowing smoke into the dark sky before throwing the cigarette to the ground, “for being such a jerk.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

Even frowned,

“What the fuck are you sorry for?”

“You _are_ a jerk, and, like, 90% of what you said in there was complete bullshit, just so you know. But you do have a point. I honestly didn’t realize how it must have looked for you, me and Julian, me and your mom, me and my job, whatever. I wasn’t trying to make you feel miserable or anything.”

“Isak, please, don’t worry about it,” Even said, shaking his head, “you did nothing wrong.”

“I know that life sucks for you right now, but I wasn’t trying to make this a competition, and I wasn’t trying to let you know I was winning it. It’s not like your life sucks, you know, you make movies that everyone sees in fucking cinemas over half the world, you know. But- I don’t know, I’m just saying that I didn’t do anything intentional. I didn’t think about how things looked for you or how my behavior must have seemed for you. I know life’s hard right now. So I’m sorry for making it harder, even if it wasn’t intentional.”

“Please don’t apologize,” Even sighed quietly, “You’re allowed to be happy and in love.”

Because Isak was allowed. Even had broken his heart, and now Isak was breaking Even’s. But he was so completely allowed to do it.

“Yeah, I know, I just- whatever, forget it. I didn’t mean to make you feel badly about yourself or about being here or about what happened. I moved on, and I just assumed that you had moved on just the same.”

Even thought about lying and telling him that he had moved on just the same, that he was so over Isak and Oslo and how being back here was no fucking problem at all.

Then he considered being honest. Telling Isak that he loved him, had never fucking stopped loving him, that every fucking street in Oslo yelled Isak’s name, and that his mind whispered it every fucking night before he went to sleep.

Instead, he just hummed.

“You have, though, right? Moved on?”

Even cleared his throat, opening his mouth to tell Isak everything, to finally tell him everything he felt.

“Yeah,” he said instead.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, quiet and comfortable, until Even spoke up again,

“I really am sorry, Isak. What I said in there, how I treated you and Julian- I swear, sometimes I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”

Isak tilted his head,

“What do you mean?”

Even closed his eyes, shaking his head,

“You were the one person that I could really be myself around, I guess. When I lost that, I didn’t just lose you, I- this is going to sound weird, but sometimes I think I lost myself a little bit back then. I used to be kinder to people, I used to be more sensitive. I don’t know, sometimes I just have moments where I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore, you know?”

Isak was quiet for a long time, before he let out a long, almost shaky breath,

“I know what you mean.”

Even looked up at Isak with a curious gaze,

“You do?”

“Yeah, I guess I do. I mean, I don’t know, but sometimes I miss feeling the way I felt when we were together. Like, how carefree everything seemed. How carefree I used to be back then. I mean, of course, now I have a different life and other things are important to me. And it’s probably more me growing up than me being with you – I don’t know. But, yeah, sometimes I wonder, too, if I even know how to be myself. Or if I’m just doing what I’m doing because it’s expected of me, you know?”

“But did you feel like that when you first met Julian? Carefree, I mean?”

For some reason, it didn’t feel weird talking about Isak and Julian. Somehow, Even felt okay about it, somehow, he wanted to know all the parts of Isak’s life that he had missed.

Isak smiled,

“Yeah, I did. I still do. I really, really love him, and he’s pretty perfect. It’s just- I can’t compare it to how I felt back then. How I felt with you, when we were in London. There we almost no rules, you know, we basically just did whatever we wanted, that was… just different. Not better, or anything, just different. But- yeah. I don’t know. It’s probably normal that you don’t feel like a teenager in love anymore when you’re almost thirty, right?”

“I don’t know,” Even admitted, “I always hoped to feel like that forever.”

Isak smiled, nodding along,

“Yeah, me too, I guess. But yeah, that’s just- maybe feeling young and amazing and carefree is just over at some point in your life. Or different. Or whatever.”

Even cleared his throat, carefully eyeing Isak as he asked the next question,

“But… do you still feel like that when _we_ spend time together?”

Isak thought about it, not annoyed by the question, before he tilted his head again,

“I don’t know. All we do is spend time in the hospital, we never spend time, you know, alone.”

Even forgot to breathe for a second, still staring at Isak,

“Do you-“ he cleared his throat again, not trusting his voice, “Do you maybe want to?”

“Spend time with you?” Isak asked with a frown.

“Forget it, you said that you didn’t want that. I respect that. I just thought- I still feel more like myself when I’m with you, in a way. Sometimes. And maybe if you felt like that, too, it wouldn’t be… horrible if we spent some time together, you know.”

Isak hummed, staring at his shoes.

“I don’t want to push. Really. Just- the offer stands, okay?” Even said, stretching out his legs.

Isak hummed again,

“I mean, if we’re both on the same page, and as long as you know that it doesn’t mean anything-“

“Of course.”

“Maybe, I mean-“ Isak interrupted himself when his phone started vibrating, “sorry.”

He got up, walking away for a few steps to get some privacy, but Even still heard him talk.

He heard him apologize to Julian, he heard him say I love you.

He heard him say that he was talking to Even. He heard him ask if Julian was okay with that.

He laughed.

He was happy.

Even tried to be happy for him.

Eventually, Isak hung up and walked back to Even, squinting his eyes, tilting his head to the side a little,

“You want to get something to eat?”

Even smiled,

“Yeah, sure.”

Even knew that this wasn’t supposed to mean anything.

But when Isak smiled at him, right there and then, it meant the world to Even.

 

\--

 

They walked through Oslo, talking and talking and talking, until they finally were hungry enough to get something to eat. The sun was almost rising, and Even had suggested to get kebab for breakfast.

Isak had complained, but eventually, he had agreed.

Now, they were walking up the roof of the opera house to watch the sunrise.

“This is fucking insane,” Isak laughed, following Even.

“Shut it,” Even ordered, before he sat down on the cold stone floor, taking in the beautiful view.

“I honestly don’t remember the last time I was here,” Isak said, taking a deep breath, “and I definitely don’t remember eating kebab.”

He grinned, taking his first bite, almost moaning with how good it tasted.

“Good?” Even asked, and Isak nodded.

They ate together in silence, watching how the morning dusk dipped the water and the buildings into a soft, shimmering light.

“It’s crazy how some things about Oslo have changed so much and others are still completely the same,” Even said when he had finished eating, leaning back a little to look at the city that had always been his home.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Although when you live here, it kind of sneaks up on you. Like, I wouldn’t notice any changes for years, and then all of a sudden I’d walk through a neighborhood and it would just look completely different,” Isak agreed, mouth full of kebab. Even found it adorable.

“Yeah, I bet,” Even nodded, sighing deeply.

“How do you like New York?” Isak asked, sounding actually interested.

“New York is amazing, no question. When I first got there it was overwhelming, even after L.A., but I do love it. It made me feel lonely sometimes, though. Everything is just so big, and busy, and it’s just- I don’t know, sometimes I felt a little insignificant, if that makes any sense.”

“Makes all the sense in the world,” Isak said quietly, “When do you have to go back?”

“Not sure,” Even admitted, “I’ll stay here as long as my mom needs me. Maybe I’ll even move back here for a while. I just finished the movie I was working on over there, so I do have to go back to do the final editing, just shit that’s left to do. And then for the premiere, of course. But after that, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll take a break for some time. Make sure my mom is good and healthy and stuff.”

Isak smiled,

“It’s so nice that you care about her so much. That you two care about each other so much.”

“She cares about you, too,” Even said quietly, turning his head away from Isak to look at the water, “She’s your family, too.”

Isak was quiet for some time, before he slowly nodded,

“Yeah. She is. It’s been hard for me, too, you know. To see her. I was constantly feeling like every time I visited her I was crossing a line, I didn’t want to do that behind your back or anything… I just couldn’t be in the same hospital and not go see her, you know?”

Even nodded. He hadn’t thought about how hard this was on Isak as well. He knew that Isak’s mother wasn’t doing that good, and even though Isak loved her and went to visit her sometimes, Even knew that when Isak was looking for actual guidance, for love, for a home, he had always turned to Even’s parents, especially his mom, instead. He knew that Isak cherished that relationship, he knew that Isak and Liv were really, really close. But in all of his own grief and his own fear, he had completely forgotten to think about how Isak was struggling as well.

“You don’t have to feel like that,” Even promised, “she’s your family, too, and you don’t need my permission to go see her or to care about her. Really.”

“Thanks,” Isak said, turning his head towards the water, too, staring at the sunrise in awe.

They were quiet for a few moments, before Isak sighed, taking a deep breath,

“It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?” he asked, still looking at the water and the harbor, at the sun and how it sprinkled pieces of gold all over the water and the buildings.

Even nodded, looking at Isak, whose hair seemed to be even more golden than usual, a relaxed and happy smile on his lips, his eyes shining,

“Yeah,” he agreed, eyes still lying on Isak, “beautiful.”

  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, they have decided to spend time together. It may seem weird, since Isak was clear at the beginning that he didn't want that, but remember that we don't know what's going on in Isak's head and what reasons he may have, and also some time has passed since Even came back, and maybe Isak just got used to the thought of him being here.
> 
> I know that this story isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I personally think that there are a lot of Fanfics where Isak is the one who needs help or tends to fuck up and Even is very mature and in control, and I'm not at all saying that that is bad, I just wanted to explore another option with this story. I know that Even's behavior isn't exactly nice in this story sometimes, but he has his flaws and he's hurting and so sometimes he's just not at his best behavior. I still think he has the kindest heart. He's just a little lost.
> 
> I know that this chapter wasn't the most exciting one, but I promise, shit is about to go down.
> 
> Leave a comment if you want, or don't, either way I hope you're having a good day and you're being kind to yourself and taking care of yourself ♡ remember to pay attention to your loved ones well-being, and remember that you should be one of them ♡


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla ♡
> 
> Thank you so much for all of your comments! I honestly never know if I should answer them, if I'm supposed to answer them, but maybe I will try to, because I really like talking to all of you ♡
> 
> I don't have too much to say about this chapter, We're getting closer to a lot of drama happening, but this is still like a mild version. I hope you're going to enjoy it!
> 
> Be kind to yourself and take some time to breathe every now and then, treat yourself with something nice and good on bad days, even if it's just a cup of tea or some ice cream or an hour of re-watching Skam. Know that you're loved and that you're not alone and that your mental health is the most important thing in the world. Remind yourself that everything else can wait ♡
> 
> alt er love ♡ be kind

* * *

 

Even really enjoyed hanging out with Isak. They still felt so _connected_ sometimes, like they still had some sort of bond between them, fragile and not as strong as it used to be, but it was there, undeniable, and Even wondered if Isak felt it, too.

Sometimes Even let himself believe that he did.

He wasn’t completely sure what he was to Isak or how Isak felt. Even didn’t get him sometimes, and it made him furious, because he used to be the one person who just instantly _got_ Isak. All the time and everywhere.

But right now, he didn’t know why Isak was spending time with him exactly, after being against it so strictly when Even had first come back. If he was telling Julian. Even was pretty sure that Isak had told Julian about it, but he wasn’t completely sure. The thought of Isak keeping this a secret, that he wanted this, them spending time, to be something Julian didn’t know about, made Even feel weirdly nervous, and, to be honest, weirdly happy.

But he felt like he needed to _know_.

 

“So, what’s on your mind?” Jonas asked with a happy smile after he and Even had greeted each other.

They were sitting in a park, watching Isabell play with a friend of hers on the playground.

“I’ve been thinking about something,” Even admitted, “about Isak.”

“Oh,” Jonas said, and Even wasn’t sure if he was actually surprised or if he was faking it. Probably the latter.

“I don’t know if he told you, but we’ve been hanging out a little, lately,” Even said, shifting around uncomfortably.

“Yeah, he mentioned something. What about that?”

“It’s just that… when I first got back, I asked him if we could hang out sometime, just the two of us, and he said he didn’t want that. I’m just scared that I’ve pushed him too much, or that he feels obligated or…”

“Even, calm down,” Jonas interrupted him, “Isak’s a big boy. If he wouldn’t want to hang out with you, he wouldn’t. I mean, I know some people say that you can’t be friends with your ex, but you’re both in a good place now, right? You’ve both moved on, he’s happy with Julian, you’re happy in New York. It’s not that crazy to have a cup of coffee every once in a while.”

Even nodded along, as if everything that Jonas had just said was completely true,

“It’s just weird because he was so against it at first.”

“It’s not _that_ weird. I assume that he needed a few days to get used to the fact that you’re back, and he probably needed to talk to Julian first. And maybe he needed to figure out what he wanted. If you like hanging out with him, just enjoy it.”

Even cleared his throat, nodding along again, running a hand through his hair,

“Do you think Julian is cool with… you know, me and Isak spending time together?”

“Yeah. He’s a really chill guy. Him and Isak don’t have secrets, so I’m sure that Julian knows, and he probably doesn’t care. Plus, it’s Julian, trust me, if he has a problem with something, he just says it.”

Even sighed, nodding.

_If only I would be able to do the same._

“Okay,” he finally said, “sorry if it’s weird that I asked you about that. I just- I don’t want to cause problems.”

Jonas smiled, patting Even’s thigh,

“We’re all happy you’re back, man. No one cares about all that shit between you and Isak, you don’t have to worry about it. Julian doesn’t care either. Plus, you know, Isak is so over the top in love with him, he knows that he doesn’t have anything to be concerned about. You’re fine, I promise.”

Even smiled, too.

_I’m so fucking far from fine._

 

\--

 

“I didn’t know that you were allowed to access the roof of the hospital,” Even said with a frown, when Isak unlocked a door with his employee card.

“Well, you aren’t,” Isak grinned, holding the door open for Even as they stepped out onto the roof.

It was sunny and nice, the snow was melting everywhere in Oslo, and the even though the sun was still weakened, it had gained some of its magic back.

“This used to be the platform for the helicopters, before they built that new building over there,” Isak explained, gesturing towards another building, “now it’s just, you know, there.”

“For amazing views during lunch break,” Even agreed, as they sat down on some old stone barriers facing so that they could oversee the city all the way down to the harbor.

“Exactly,” Isak agreed, unwrapping the sandwiches they had gotten,

“So, how’s Liv doing?”

“Okay, I guess,” Even said, taking a sip from his coffee, “we’re half way through with the chemotherapy, and for now everything seems to look relatively well. It’s just not so easy at home, you know, she’s getting sick a lot, and she has trouble sleeping, all of that…”

Isak winced,

“Mhh. That sucks.”

“Yeah,” Even agreed, “If she would let me help more, it’d be easier, but you know how she is.”

Isak chuckled, fond and soft, and Even couldn’t help but love it,

“I guess she takes more care of you than she lets you take care of her, huh?”

Even laughed a little as well, just because it felt better than all the guilt eating at him,

“Exactly.”

“It’s going to be okay, though, Even,” Isak said, smiling at him, “She’s strong, even with all of the side effects that she’s experiencing. Some patients can’t live at home during that time, let alone manage to get out of bed. She’s not doing great right now, but she’ll get there. If Sana says so, it’s going to be just fine.”

Even let out a long breath, looking at Isak,

“You really think so?”

“I really think so,” Isak nodded, and he looked serious, and Even just had to believe him.

“I just wish there was more that I could do for her,” Even sighed.

“Social support is one of the most important factors in recovery. You’re doing enough by just being here for her, letting her know she can count on you. I know you feel helpless, but trust me, it’s all you can do for now.”

And even though Even had heard that same speech from other doctors and other people endless times, this was the first time he actually believed it.

Because Isak wasn’t saying it as a doctor, he was saying it as a part of Even’s family, and he was saying it as a son who had no choice but to sit back and be helpless and just focus on being there for his mother. Even knew how hard that used to be for Isak, how hard it probably still was, and he just trusted him when he promised Even that he was doing all that he could.

“How’s your family?” he asked gently, staring at the city in front of him, “How’s your mom?”

And Isak started talking about his family, about all the years that Even had missed.

 

\--

 

And just like that, it became a thing.

They spend time together, and not just when Even was at the hospital or when the whole group hung out at bars.

They met up on Saturdays to get coffee and take a walk through Oslo, they met up after Isak’s work to get dinner, they met up to do silly stuff that Even wanted to do, making Isak laugh and roll his eyes.

They talked about their families and their lives, and without either of them trying or forcing it, their talks became more and more intimate. They talked about Even’s last relationship and they talked about Julian, Isak asked Even about any celebrities he may have hooked up with and Even told Isak without hesitating, exaggerating only a little bit.

Sometimes they just had fun, hanging out at parks, taking goofy pictures or making up stories about the people around them.

Sometimes they had serious talks about their past and their future, about Even’s illness or Isak’s sleeping problems, and in those moments, Even couldn’t help but feel like their connection was still strong, because he just knew how hard it was for Isak to open up about harder themes, and it amazed him how easily he did so with Even.

 

\--

 

“So,” Mikael said, leaning back in his chair, “you seem happy.”

Even frowned,

“You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing.”

“No, no, no,” Mikael shook his head, “not at all. I’m glad you’re doing so much better. I just- I worry.”

“About what, exactly?” Even asked, getting their frozen mini-pizzas out of the oven.

He had decided to stay in today, since Liv felt badly after her appointment today and Even didn’t feel like leaving her alone. She was resting now, so Mikael had decided to come over.

“You and Isak,” Mikael admitted carefully.

“What about me and Isak?” Even asked, trying to sound casual.

Because that’s what he and Isak were. Casual. People who casually hung out sometimes. Even wasn’t even sure if they were friends.

“Come on, dude,” Mikael said, rolling his eyes, “you know what I mean. You two have been hanging out a lot over the last few weeks. You’re basically glowing, you’re super happy… you’re hoping that he’ll magically forgive you and everything will be back to normal soon.”

Even frowned, trying to seem offended as he placed the plate of food in front of Mikael,

“No. We’re just hanging out, that’s it. I know he’s with Julian, he made it more than clear that nothing’s going to happen between us. And I accept that.”

“He doesn’t _know_ that you’re still in love with him, you know. He has no fucking clue. And I’m pretty sure that if he knew, he wouldn’t spend that much time with you.”

Even took a deep breath, looking a little caught now,

“Yeah, I mean, no, he doesn’t know _that_. But he doesn’t have to know that. That’s my shit, and he doesn’t have to deal with it. I’m fine with just being his friend.”

“Even. How the hell are you ever going to be fine with being Isak’s friend?”

Even shrugged, taking a bite of the mini-pizza to avoid answering him. Because he knew that Mikael had a point. He was bathing in false hope, every time Isak mentioned Julian, he secretly hoped that they had broken up, every time he saw Isak, he hoped for one of those magic moments where he would just hug and kiss him, making his world whole again.

And he knew that Isak would feel differently about them hanging out if he knew all of that. But Even just couldn’t bear to tell him.

“He… sort of told me that he missed how he felt when we were together. That he kind of lost himself, or who he was back then. So we kind of started hanging out to see if he felt more like himself again. I know it sounds weird, but… things just kind of snowballed from there, and now we hang out a little more often. And if that helps him and he’s happy, then who cares how I feel about him?”

“I care, Even. And so should you,” Mikael reminded him with a sigh, “You do know that his is going to break your heart, right?”

Even nodded.

“And you do know that he’s not just going to leave Julian for you, right?”

Even nodded.

“They’re happy together. They’ve been happy together for a long time now. Last time I talked to Isak he told me they were looking at houses outside the city. They’re permanent, dude, and it’s not going to change.”

Even nodded, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest.

“How can you just be… okay with this?” Mikael asked, obviously stunned.

“I’m not,” Even admitted quietly, “but it’s either this or not seeing him at all and I just-“

He stopped talking, staring at his hands.

“I get it, Even, I do,” Mikael assured him, running a hand through his hair, “I just hate seeing you hurt like that.”

“Yeah, well,” Even shrugged, “That’s on me, I guess.”

Mikael shrugged,

“Maybe so. I just wonder how long you’re going to torture yourself for that.”

 

\--

 

Even kept torturing himself, and he enjoyed every second of it.

The sun was shining, the snow had melted away, and it seemed to be spring in Oslo, finally and officially.

Even was sitting at Kaffebrennneriet, looking out the window, smiling happily when he saw Isak come down the street.

He looked gorgeous, the sun painting his hair in a glowing gold and his cheeks in a boyish blush.

 

“Halla,” Isak greeted when he came in, looking at the two drinks and the cinnamon bun on the counter, “is that for me?”

“Yeah,” Even smiled, pushing the drink and the pastry closer to Isak.

“Thanks,” Isak said, sitting down next to Even with a smile.

They drank their coffee and Even stole a couple of pieces from Isak’s pastry, and they talked about some lecture Isak was offered to hold at UiO, and about the premiere of Even’s new movie, that would be in a couple of weeks in New York.

“It’s just so fucking nice outside,” Isak sighed when he finished his coffee, closing his eyes for a second when he turned his face towards the sun, “almost feels like summer already.”

Even smiled, taking in how Isak’s eyelashes laid against his cheek when he had his eyes closed,

“Yeah,” he said, nodding, “it’s beautiful outside. We should take a walk or something. If you have time, I mean.”

Isak checked his phone, before he shrugged,

“Yeah, sure. It’s way too nice to just hang out inside all day.”

They walked down to the harbor, and Isak grinned,

“You know, when it’s the first actually warm day of the year, I always get this moment where I think I should just jump into the ocean right now. Like right now. Even though it’s mostly, like, April and it’s still fucking freezing.”

Even stopped for a second,

“Why don’t we?”

“Hm?”

“Jump into the ocean.”

Isak laughed, shaking his head,

“We can’t do that. It’s not, like, actually summer, it’s just sunny and whatever. The water is probably still way too cold.”

“We totally can. Sørenga is like a five minute walk, we could go there and just- jump in.”

Isak rolled his eyes when Even started walking, obviously determined to make Isak’s wish come true,

“Even, we can’t do that. We don’t have towels or swimsuit and it’s fucking freezing!”

Even rolled his eyes right back,

“Come on, don’t be so serious all the time,” he ordered Isak, walking backwards in front of him, as if to lure him towards the water.

“I’m not, I’m just a reasonable adult.”

Even just raised an eyebrow, and Isak rolled his eyes as they kept walking.

He complained the whole way to the small swimming pool at the end of the harbor, rolling his eyes at Even’s nonsense, as Even tried to talk him into it. They laughed and shoved and punched each other playfully.

 

\--

 

“This is fucking insane,” Isak stated when they were both standing on the edge of the docks, both stripped down to their underwear.

“This is pretty awesome,” Even objected, trying to sound convinced, but he started to think that this idea was a little insane and he was already freezing his ass off without having touched the water yet.

But he was still convinced that is was awesome.

“So fucking insane,” Isak repeated, staring down at the water, before he looked up at Even, “On three?”

“Yeah. No, on one,” Even decided, looking at Isak.

They grinned.

“Three… two… one,” Even counted, and they both jumped.

It was freezing, so cold that Even forgot how to breathe for a second. When he finally reached the surface, coughing and gasping, the first thing he spotted was Isak.

He was coughing and gasping as well, but when he saw Even, he broke into a loud, excited laugh.

His eyes were sparkling and his cheeks were red from the cold, and in that moment, Even swore, Isak looked _carefree_.

 

\--

 

“Hey!” Magnus cheered, pulling the door open further to let Even in.

Even had missed those kinds of parties. In New York he hung out with his colleagues a lot, but mostly they went to bars and restaurants, sometimes hung out in their apartments for a beer, but it wasn’t the same, cozy, intimate atmosphere that he knew from his friends here.

“Hey,” Even said, toeing off his shoes, hanging up his jacket, “thanks again for inviting me.”

“Yeah, sure, buddy! We’re so happy you’re back here,” Magnus beamed, patting Even’s back before leading him inside.

The apartment was already filled with people, drinking, eating, chatting. Even spotted Eva right away and went over to greet her, impressed by her small baby bump she was patting proudly.

He talked to her for a while, then he greeted Isak and Julian, who came in with their hands laced together, looking happy and content.

It still hurt seeing them together, but ever since he and Isak had started hanging out again, it hurt a lot less.

Still, he just talked to them for a second, before he went to find Magnus and the other guys, and they had a few beers and played some stupid card game that Even kept losing.

A couple of hours later, it was Even’s turn to get everyone a new beer, so he got up and went to the kitchen.

He stopped when he was about to enter the kitchen, since the only two people in it were Isak and Julian. They weren’t hugging and kissing and being their disgustingly happy selves, but Isak was leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, while Julian said something to him in a low, angry voice.

Even realized that he had never seen Julian angry, he seemed to be so sweet and mature and content all the time.

He was just about to leave, when he heard Isak’s voice.

“You know, I’m really tired of you being jealous all the time,” Isak hissed, quiet anger in his voice.

“Yeah, well, I’m tired of you always giving me a reason to,” Julian snapped, crossing his arms in front of his chest, too.

“I’m not giving you a reason to be jealous,” Isak said, a little angrier now, “you just keep fucking looking for them.”

“You can’t tell me him being here doesn’t affect you,” Julian sighed, running his hand through his hair, sounding a little insecure now.

“Yeah, it does. Because I worry about his mother, and I worry about him. And I’m not going to lie, I like spending time with him sometimes, because yeah, he’s fun to hang out with, but I promise you, baby, that is it,” Isak promised, both hands on Julian’s cheeks now, “And you know why I like hanging out with him? Because I just finally know that there is _nothing_ between us anymore. We both moved on, I know that now. I promise you, I’m so fucking over him. Truly and actually over him. I want him to have his life, and I want me to have my life. And my life’s with you.”

Even closed his eyes when he leaned against the doorframe, not even caring that they would be able to see him when they looked up, not caring that they could probably see his fucking heart break into a million pieces.

“I love you,” he heard Julian mumble, followed by the sound of them kissing.

“I love you,” Isak answered, and he couldn’t have sounded any more sincere, “I love you so much.”

Even left quietly. He would say that the way Isak had said I love you to another guy had broken his heart, but he felt like it couldn’t break any more.

“How bad is it?” Mikael asked when he walked back into the living room, raising his eyebrows at him.

“Just- don’t ask,” Even mumbled, grabbing a beer.

Mikael was right. Isak and Julian were permanent.

Jonas was right. Isak was over the top in love with Julian.

Isak was right. There was _nothing_ between them anymore.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... or is there? ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla ♡ 
> 
> Happy Pride Month to Everyone ♡ I hope you're happy, whereever you are, whoever you chose to be, with whoever you chose to be, I just hope that you're proud of yourself and that you're feeling happy ♡ And that you can celebrate this time, whether it is by wearing tights and mascara and joining gay pride, or whether it is by smiling to yourself before going to sleep for a second ♡ 
> 
> This chapter is going to be really dramatic and sad and frustrating. Consider yourself warned.
> 
> Alt er Love ♡ Be kind

* * *

 

Even got drunk. For the first time in years, he actually and truly got drunk.

Mikael tried to reason with him, of course he did, and Even just didn’t listen. He needed to stop being in pain, he needed to feel numb and gone and wasted. So he drank, starting with beer, continuing with vodka and ending with rum.

He was just on his way to the kitchen when he ran into Julian, almost falling over as they bumped into each other.

“Woah, easy,” Julian said, trying to steady Even a little, “you okay?”

Even just stared at him with an annoyed look, trying to get Julian’s hands off of his arm with uncoordinated motions,

“Let go of me.”

“Okay,” Julian stepped back, “I’m going to get you a glass of water, okay?”

Even squinted his eyes, too drunk to figure out if Julian was being nice or if he was planning on poisoning Even’s drink.

“I’ll be right back,” Julian said, and Even just kept looking at him, before he decided that the apartment had obviously started spinning, so he just sat down on the floor for a second.

“Here you go,” he heard Julian’s voice a little later, and then a glass of water was being pushed into his hand.

“Why are you here?” Even groaned, “leave me alone.”

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay,” Julian said gently, squatting down in front of him, carefully studying Even’s drunk face.

“Yeah, I’m awesome,” Even slurred, “you can go back and make out with your boyfriend all the time.”

Julian frowned.

“I know you do it on purpose,” Even explained, staring at Julian again, “kissing him in front of me. I know you’re trying to show me that he’s yours now, all the fucking time.”

“I’m not- Even, trust me, that’s not what I’m doing.”

“He used to hate that, you know,” Even continued, words blending into each other as he was too drunk to properly say them, “kissing other people in public.”

Julian just hummed, pointing at Even’s glass, as if to remind him to drink some of it.

“Do you think about it sometimes? How I was the one who got every single one of Isak’s firsts?”

“No,” Julian said patiently, “I don’t.”

“First kiss,” Even continued, looking for ways to make Julian _hurt_ , to make him feel a small piece of the pain he was carrying around himself, “first boyfriend. First sex,” he said, raising his eyebrows at Julian in a teasing way.

“Drink your water.”

“I bet you think about it sometimes. How fucking amazing it must have been for me to see Isak like I saw him. You probably wonder about all of it.”

“This is not a competition or anything, Even,” Julian said calmly, “I know you were his first love and I have no reason not to accept that. You should accept that it’s over, though.”

“He was so fucking insatiable when we got together, you have no idea,” Even continued, “I was the one who was there when he discovered every little kink he had. I bet you wonder if you know all of them, too.”

“Even, please. Are you listening to yourself?”

“God, I bet it’s killing you that I was the one who had him first,” Even grinned, leaning his head back against the wall in an attempt to make himself seem taller, to make himself seem superior.

“You know, I’m seeing a little more in Isak than the guys he’s been with or the kinks he has. And if you did that, too, maybe you would still be with him. But you’re not, Even. I am.”

Even hated him. He hated how he looked at Even, fondly and nice, how he looked at Isak, insanely in love, he hated his stupid expensive car, his gorgeous hair, his smile, his body, the way he held Isak’s hand.

But he mostly hated that Julian gave him absolutely no reason to hate him.

Even knew that he was good to Isak. Isak seemed to be so happy by his side, they seemed to be so happy together. Isak smiled when they kissed, he teased him, leaned into his touch. Julian picked Isak up and dropped him off wherever he wanted, he seemed to fulfill every request Isak made, and Even should really really be happy that Isak had somebody like him in his life.

But he wasn’t.

It broke him.

Every single day.

 

“Hey buddy,” he suddenly heard Mikael’s voice, realizing that Julian still was a nice enough guy not to leave him on some apartment floor, but that he had gotten Even’s friend to help him. It only made Even’s heart hurt even more.

“You okay there, Ev?” Mikael asked, patting Even’s shoulder.

Even just shook his head, but didn’t object when Mikael made him drink his water, made him get up, made him go home. He didn’t object when Mikael took him to his apartment, too worried that it might freak Even’s mom out to see him like that. He just laid down on Mikael’s couch, and even though his sleep was dreamless and deep, he couldn’t get rid of the thumbing pain in his chest the whole night.

 

\--

 

“Julian, can I talk to you for a second?”

It was about twelve in the morning, and Even was having the worst hangover of his life.

He wanted to sleep, he wanted to bury his face in a pillow for the next 20 hours, or possibly the rest of his life, but he knew that he had an apologies to make for the way he had acted at the party, and he knew that he had to do it as soon as possible.

Which was why he was standing in the middle of Julian’s big ass office now, feeling inferior and small.

“You know, as much as I’d love listening to you insult me or telling me all the high school drama you and Isak went through, I actually have some work to do.”

“Please,” Even said quickly, “I really am sorry. Just please let me apologize.”

Julian sighed, running a hand through his hair, looking at Even with an exhausted look.

Even couldn’t help but feel even worse. Julian had been nothing but nice to him, all this time. He obviously was perfect for Isak, so kind and gentle, and Even knew that there was no reason to be this mean to him. Julian was putting up with a lot of Even’s shit, Even realized now, and he felt really bad. He could understand that Julian was tired of it by now.

“Please,” he repeated, and since Julian was the nice guy he was, he rolled his eyes a little, and agreed with a nod.

Even got them coffees and they sat down on a bench, and Even tried to ignore the irony of that. Important moments in his life were always set on benches it seemed.

“I wanted to apologize for yesterday. For all of it, really. I’ve been acting like a complete jerk for an endless amount of reasons, and you don’t deserve that. You’re a good guy. So… I’m just sorry, okay. For everything I said to you, for how I’ve been acting. I’ll stop all of that, I promise.”

Julian took a sip of coffee, nodding along,

“Apology accepted.”

“Thanks. And even though it’s hard for me to see the two of you together right now, I won’t comment on it anymore or make you or Isak feel uncomfortable. Coming back here was a lot, and it has been really weird and confusing for me. But that’s neither your, nor Isak’s fault and I’ll try to keep that shit to myself now.”

“Are you still in love with him?” Julian asked quietly.

Even took a deep breath,

“Yes.”

Julian said nothing, just nodded, looking at his coffee cup.

“I won’t tell him. I know he’s with you and you are really good for him. I see that now.”

Julian shrugged,

“That’s your decision, if you want to tell him or not. But just- this hasn’t been easy on him either. I was the first guy he dated, since you, and the only reason that happened was because I spend a whole year trying to prove to him that he could trust me. He was nowhere near over you when we met, and I have accepted that you’re just always going to be there, that you’re always going to be a part of him. But he’s been struggling, too, with you being here, with the whole this with your mom. So please, if you tell him, don’t push him or anything. Think about the fact that he’s been going through a lot, too.”

Even cleared his throat, and just nodded quietly.

He knew, deep down, that Isak had been pretty broken hearted for a while after their break up, but hearing it like this, was just as painful as it had been ten years ago.

“I’m sorry that I’ve been making his life miserable. Again.”

“I don’t think you’re making his life miserable. He’s not suffering, he’s okay. He spend a lot of time on being okay, it was a lot of work, for him and sometimes for me, too, but he’s good. You being here doesn’t make him feel bad. I think he’s happy that you’re here. I just don’t want him to hurt, and if you tell him that you’re still in love with him… I’m just a little concerned that it’s going to bring back a lot of memories, memories that he tried to forget for quite some time now.”

“I know. That’s what’s been hard for me, too. Being back here, being in all of those places that remind me of him. It’s hard, you know, just seeing him, and seeing him with you- I just wish that I could still have that. I mean, when I see him now, I know that I made the right choice back then, but-“

“The right choice? I thought he broke up with you?” Julian asked with a frown.

_Fuck. Oh fuck._

“Um, yeah. But it was still- like, it was sort of my fault, you know.”

“Sort of? Didn’t you cheat on him? How was that the right choice?”

There was a long pause, and Even was considering. But in the end, he couldn’t lie anymore. He couldn’t keep the act up, he couldn’t keep this lie alive.

So he sighed, shaking his head,

 “I never cheated on him.”

Julian frowned,

“What?”

Even shrugged,

“I… I lied. I never cheated on him. Come on, how could I ever cheat on Isak?”

“But he- he said, that that was why the two of you broke up”, Julian said, confused.

Even nodded,

“Yeah, it was. But I lied to him. I never did.”

“Why did you lie, then?” Julian asked, still looking confused.

“Because… he put his whole life on hold for me. You know Isak, he’s so smart, he deserved the world. He had such good grades when he graduated, he even got into medical school. And then he dropped out after just one month, to move to London to be with me. I had an episode in London, and he came to take care of me, and then he just- he stayed. He worked the shittiest jobs the two years there, really. He wasn’t happy. Then L.A. happened, and he would have gone with me, and I just couldn’t let that happen. He wouldn’t have studied medicine, he wouldn’t have been successful at what he does,” Even explained, “I tried to save him from a life that I just knew he didn’t want.”

Julian took a deep breath,

“But don’t you think that would have been his choice to make? Not yours?”

“I just think he loved me so much that he wasn’t really capable of making choices anymore. Everyone was telling him that he was giving up everything for me, that he was giving up himself. Jonas said so, every time they talked, the guys said so, Eva did, even Sana saw it happen, but he- he just couldn’t see it. Part of me just wanted to enjoy that, enjoy that I was more important to him than money and friends and an education, but in the end… I was just trying to protect him.”

Julian nodded.

“Imagine if I wouldn’t have done it. He would have gone with me to the US, he wouldn’t have been able to afford any form of education there. Which means, if I wouldn’t have done what I did, he would still have no degree, he would probably still work at McDonald’s, and that’s just… we both know that’s not him.”

They were silent for a couple of minutes.

“You have to tell him,” Julian then said, looking at Even.

_“What?”_

“You have to tell him. He still thinks that you just stopped loving him.”

“It’s better this way.”

“I think the days where you decide what’s good for Isak and what isn’t are over,” Julian pointed out, “He deserves to know.”

“But what if-“

“If that changes how he feels about you or how he feels about me, then so be it. I trust him and I trust in our relationship, I honestly don’t think it will change anything. He deserves to know, though. So he can finally let this go.”

“Wow,” Even said, taking a deep breath, “maybe you are better for him than I am.”

“Maybe.”

“Do you really think that would be a good idea?” Even asked again, “what if it just hurts him?”

“The truth usually does.”

 

\--

 

Isak obviously didn’t think much of the fact that Even asked him if he had time a few evenings later. He happily agreed to meet Even after his shift at the hospital had ended.

They walked along the harbor for a while, before they sat down, looking at the water.

It was lit with the lights of the buildings surrounding it, the opera house glowing in a nice golden tone, lit up by the beautiful sunset.

Still, compared to the man next to him, no building, ocean or sunset would ever look glowing enough to Even.

They were quiet for some time, before Isak took a deep breath, looking at Even,

“What did you want to talk about?”

“Um. I actually wanted to talk about us. The whole… us breaking up thing.”

“Even, seriously, that was such a long time ago. I told you to let it go. You did what you did, and I’m done with it,” Isak said, his voice calm.

“I really need to tell you something about that,” Even insisted, still looking at the water.

“Okay. What.”

“I- I lied,” Even said quietly, carefully looking at Isak, who frowned,

“Lied about what?”

“I never cheated on you,” Even almost whispered, still not breaking the eye contact.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Isak asked, confused.

“I- Fuck, Isak, of course I didn’t cheat on you! I could never ever cheat on you. I still loved you so much when we broke up, I just-“

“Are you fucking _kidding_ me?” Isak hissed, moving away from Even a little.

“Isak, I- I just did what I thought was best for you,” Even tried again.

“What’s _best_ for me?!” Isak repeated loudly.

“Yeah, I- come on, you know what I mean, right? You weren’t happy in London, and if you would have gone with me to L.A., you wouldn’t have gotten a degree in medicine, right? I wanted you to live your life, and every time I tried to tell you that, you-“

“So you told me that you _cheated_ on me?!” Isak yelled, “Even, please tell me that you’re kidding!”

“I’m sorry, okay, I just did what I thought was best for you.”

“By breaking my fucking heart? Do you know how fucked up that sounds to me?” Isak asked, and his expression looked so hurt, that Even didn’t really know what to do or say anymore.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I just did it because I didn’t want you to waste your whole life on me. When I look at you now, I know that I did the right thing, you know? You’re doing what you love, that’s huge. Isak-“

“I can’t fucking believe you. We could still be together, do you understand that? Do you understand that you fucking broke me when you broke up with me? I was so desperate and I was so fucking hurt. It took me so fucking long to get over you, okay, months and years of heartache and sleepless nights and-”

“I really am so sorry for that,” Even interrupted, and he did, he felt so endlessly sorry, “but I needed to end it. I couldn’t live with myself, knowing that I was the one who held you back from living your dream. I loved you too much for that.”

“Well, then, if you loved me so fucking much, why the hell didn’t you move back to Oslo with me instead of lying to me and breaking us up?”

“I offered to move back to Oslo, a million times, long before we broke up, and you didn’t want me to give up on my dream. I told you that I’d move back for you, but you didn’t _let_ me.”

“Yeah, but, I don’t know,” Isak sighed, running his hand through his hair, “maybe I would have let you if I knew that you would ruin everything we had instead.”

“You wouldn’t have,” Even said, voice soft and gentle, “because you loved me so fucking much that you didn’t want me to give up on my dream. And you know what, I loved you so fucking much that I didn’t want you to give up on yours either. That’s why we didn’t work, Iss. Because we set ourselves on fire to keep the other one warm. Over and over and over again.”

“So that’s why you decided to break my heart, because we loved each other too much? What kind of a reason is that to break up with someone like that?” Isak asked, teeth clenched.

“It wasn’t healthy anymore. You put your whole life on hold, you gave up on everything you wanted. The first two years we dated, all you talked about was becoming a doctor.”

“I could have lived that dream and we could have still been together”, Isak said bitterly.

“We tried that, Isak, we _tried_ and it didn’t work,” Even said quietly, “and I didn’t feel comfortable anymore, having that much… power over you, seeing you give up on everything like that, giving up on yourself like that, just for me.”

“So you decided that we didn’t deserve to try again and just broke my heart instead?” Isak asked, huffing an unamused laugh, “great.”

“I’m sorry I broke your heart.”

Isak stayed silent, tried to calm down his breathing, while Even played with some bracelet he wore.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” Isak sighed.

“Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“So all that bullshit wasn’t true? You never slept with him?”

“I never slept with any other guy. You’re the only guy I’ve ever slept with.”

“What?”

“I can’t explain it, but I didn’t feel like dating for a long time after we broke up, I only ever, I don’t know, had one night stands or hooked up with people, and it was just easier to do that with girls, you know, and I couldn’t help but compare everyone I met with you and-“

“Jesus fucking Christ, Even.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You know, all those years, that was the _one_ thing that I didn’t get. You were the kindest fucking person I knew, you never hurt anyone. And then you hurt me, of all people, that badly, and you didn’t even care. I just- I never understood how someone like you could just go and have sex with someone else. I spend years just trying to _understand_ why you did that. It took me so fucking long to just let that crap go, to accept that I would probably never have an answer to that.”

“I’m sorry. It was just- I knew you wouldn’t believe me if I just told you I didn’t love you anymore. And I honestly couldn’t have said that to you. Ever. I just- it seemed like the best way at the time.”

“What do you mean, _ever_?”

“Mh?”

“You said you can’t say that you don’t love me, ever,” Isak repeated, slowly, like he was just understanding what Even was attempting to say.

Even slowly shrugged, a sad smile on his face,

“What do you think it means.”

Isak took a deep breath,

“Do you- Do you still love me?”

Even just nodded, looking down at his bracelet again,

“Kind of?”

“Fuck, Even,” Isak repeated, running his hand through his hair.

“I know you’re happy with somebody else. I get that now. And he’s a good guy. He really is.”

Isak nodded,

“Okay. What do you want from me, then?”

“I don’t want anything. I didn’t even want to tell you. But Julian said that you deserved to know, and I think-“

“Julian? Julian knew?” Isak interrupted, voice louder again, angrier, as he was staring at Even in disbelief.

“Um. I kind of told him and-” Even said.

“You told _him_ something like that, before you told _me_?”

“It was an accident. Really, I just didn’t think and I slipped up and I- I ended up telling him. And then he said that I needed to tell you.”

“I can’t fucking believe him.”

“Isak, I just- okay, I really wanted to hate him, I really wanted to, but I see that he’s good for you. He’s been really supportive, even though I’ve been an asshole to him. Don’t be mad at him, okay? None of this is his fault.”

“Can’t believe he fucking knew,” Isak mumbled, and Even frowned when Isak got up.

“Where are you going?” he asked, getting up too, as Isak already started walking away.

“Home. I really need to process this”, Isak told him, still walking.

“Okay. Can we talk, when you-“

Isak turned around, tears in his eyes,

“I don’t know, Even! I don’t know if I ever want to talk to you again, okay? You fucking broke my heart, just because you thought you knew what was best for me, do you know how fucking selfish that is? I spend so much time trying to forget you, I spend so much time putting up walls, terrified to get hurt again. Do you know that I didn’t have a good time going to university? I just stayed in my room, and I studied, and I went to lectures and took tests, and that was it. You can tell me all you want that you were right, because I’m a fucking doctor now, but I-“

Isak took a deep breath, moving his hand over his face angrily, trying to hide his tears,

“I loved you. So fucking much. And I don’t see why that was bad. I don’t see why it was bad that I would have done anything for you. I didn’t have a bad time in London. I didn’t care about not going to university. I was happy, in London, okay. Really happy.”

“I’m sorry,” Even said quietly, “and it wasn’t bad that you would have done anything for me. It just wasn’t healthy anymore, you know. You needed to figure stuff out without me, and I needed you to have a life that you could love. I was scared that you would resent me some day, if I had been the one who would have kept you from doing what you love.”

“You should have told me that! We could have taken a break, I could have gone to medical school and then I could have moved to L.A. or New York, or whatever.”

“Isak, that wouldn’t have worked, because-“

“How the fuck do you know that?” Isak yelled, before he took another deep breath.

His expression became harder, his eyes colder,

“You can’t fucking know that. Because you didn’t give us a chance to try that.”

“You’re right.”

“And I don’t know why the fuck you or Julian thought that telling me all of this bullshit was a good idea, but I’m fucking tired of both of you deciding what’s fucking best for me,”

Isak said, glaring at Even, his jaw clenched, his body tense, his heart unmistakably broken,

“Stay the fuck away from me from now on.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm really interested in your thoughts and comments! I know some of you already guessed that this was Even's reason for lying to Isak, so it's probably not the most shocking twist, but I would love to hear your opinions on this chapter.
> 
> Also, since I get the question a lot; this story is going to have 8 chapters, so we're almost there!
> 
> ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Pride ♡
> 
> I'm really sorry that you had to wait this long for this chapter.
> 
> As most of you know, I have been very busy with university, and my life has been super chaotic and messy and I haven't been very attentive to my mental health either.
> 
> I hope all of you are doing good and you're all taking care of yourself and you all know that I am here to talk if any of you feel like talking about any kind of chaos in their life. So many of you have been there for me and just please know that I am there for every one of you as well. I really am. So if you want to talk about mental health or about being unsure about yourself or your life, I am here ♡
> 
> I have been struggling with this chapter a lot, which was part of why I'm posting it this late. I am very interested in your opinions because there is a lot that I don't like about this chapter, or that I'm not completely sure about... There will either be one more chapter, or one more chapter plus an epilogue. I have to see what will happen with my creativity over the next few days.
> 
> Either way, I promise you won't have to wait as long for the last one!
> 
> Alt er Love ♡ Be kind ♡

* * *

 

_Stay the fuck away from me from now on._

_Stay the fuck away from me from now on._

_Stay the fuck away from me from now on._

Even was repeating it in his head, over and over and over. The way Isak had looked when he said it, so hurt, so mad, so disappointed.

It felt ironic, that all he ever wanted had been for Isak to be happy, that he had made the biggest fucking sacrifice to make Isak happy. He knew that it hadn’t been smart, how they broke up, lying to Isak, but Even didn’t do it for himself. He did it for Isak.

And still, even though he kept trying, trying to make Isak happy, trying to let Isak be happy, it always seemed to backfire, it always seemed to fuck Isak’s life up.

He always seemed to fuck Isak’s life up.

And he didn’t mean to. He really, really didn’t.

Even though a part of him wanted Isak and Julian to break up – because of fucking course he wanted that, who wouldn’t want the guy they loved to break up with their boyfriend – a bigger part of him wanted them to stay together if it meant that Isak could be happy.

Isak was way too good for Even anyway.

Even knew he was. He was the one weighing Isak down, he had been back then, and he was now, and it was _killing_ him.

He had tried to spare Isak the experience of Even fucking up his entire life, and somehow, he was still doing just that right now. Fucking up Isak’s life, like he usually did, like he had been doing for ten years. It was painful, and it was hard, knowing that he was the one causing Isak misery, causing Isak pain.

Even couldn’t help but just lie in bed, repeating their talk in his head over and over again, and it made him feel devastated. He couldn’t think of anything else than Isak’s face when he found out, Isak’ tears, Isak’s harsh words.

_Stay the fuck away from me from now on._

But while Even couldn’t stop thinking about that, there was still _one_ thing that Isak had said to him that night, that made Even break even more.

_We could still be together, do you understand that?_

 

\--

 

“Sweety, what is going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“It didn’t work when you told me that when you were 15 and it’s not going to work now,” Liv told him gently, watching Even carefully.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Even said, impatiently, stirring the sauce he was making for them.

He just wanted to cook in peace, not have a heart to heart with his mother.

Having a heart to heart could only end painful when yours was fucking broken.

“Something happened with Isak,” Liv assumed, watching her son carefully.

It wasn’t a question, and it hurt.

He knew that this wasn’t the greatest puzzle ever to be solved, he knew that it wasn’t hard to see that something happened with Isak – the two of them had been spending time together, and now they suddenly weren’t – of course everyone knew that something happened.

Still, it just annoyed Even that everyone knew, that everyone was assuming shit, that everyone around him seemed to have more of a clue than he did.

He quietly sat down the sauce,

“Can we just eat, please?” he asked, reaching for the pasta.

“It’s not so easy for me to see you hurting, you know,” Liv said quietly.

She jumped when Even slammed his plate down forcefully, his eyes glowing with anger,

“Do you think any of this is easy for _me_? I see you hurting every fucking day, all the fucking time. I see Isak hurting, okay, all the fucking time, and it’s just because of me. Don’t you think I’m tired of seeing people I love hurt all the time?!”

He took a deep breath, shaking his head,

“Sorry.”

“And since when do we apologize for being honest and sharing our feelings?” Liv asked unimpressed, taking some pasta and then some sauce.

“I just feel like- I just miss him,” was what he settled for, because it felt like it was closest to the truth, “and I want him to be happy.”

“Happy is a pretty complicated concept. He has been happy for most of his life because you were there to make him happy. To teach him how to make himself happy.”

Even shook his head,

“Nah. That was all Isak.”

“No, baby. You do make people happy. And sometimes, you don’t, because we all make mistakes. But that doesn’t mean that you are constantly hurting people or that all the people in your life are hurting.”

Even sighed, shaking his head,

“I don’t know. With Isak it feels like that. Like I’m always making him hurt.”

Liv nodded along,

“I’ve seen him over the last few weeks, with you back in town. You’re not always hurting him. You do make him happy. Maybe in a different way now than you used to, but he is happy when you’re around.”

Even shook his head,

“Even if that were true, that’s over now.”

“Maybe you guys just need to talk it out,” Liv suggested.

“Mh,” Even hummed, “maybe.”

He gave his mother a weak smile, knowing that he there probably wouldn’t be a chance to talk anything out with Isak ever again.

_Stay the fuck away from me from now on._

 

\--

 

“So,” Mikael said, eyeing Even over the burger he was biting into, “did something happen with you and Isak?”

_Of course._

Even frowned, shrugging, staring down at the french fries,

“Why do you ask?”

“No reason. But I sort of heard that he isn’t doing that well.”

“He isn’t?”

“I don’t know, apparently not.”

“In what way?”

“I don’t know, Even. I just talked to Jonas and he-“

“Jonas? What did Jonas say?”

“Jesus, Even,” Mikael rolled his eyes, and Even tried to breathe a little.

But he couldn’t help it. It meant something to him when Isak was not doing good, it worried him when Isak was not doing good. He wanted him to be happy, after all, and it didn’t sound like he was.

“Jonas just said that Isak seems to be a little, well, weird, unhappy, whatever, right now. He said he was acting weird and didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, and Jonas is worried about him.”

Even sighed, leaning back, chewing extra slowly to buy time,

“Well, remember when I told you why we broke up?”

“Yeah, remember how I told you that you were a goddamn idiot back then?”

Even rolled his eyes,

“Yes, thank you. I know, though, trust me. Anyway, I sort of let it slip to Julian that I didn’t really cheat on Isak, and Julian insisted that I needed to tell him.”

“Shit,” Mikael mumbled, obviously impressed by all the drama.

“Yeah. Isak didn’t exactly take it too well,” Even said quietly, running his hand through his hair.

“Mhm,” Mikael hummed.

“I don’t know, to be honest, I think I may have fucked everything up for good now. It was more likely that he would have forgiven me for cheating than he’s going to forgive me for _this_.”

Mikael shrugged,

“But at least now it’s all out, right?”

“Right,” Even mumbled, letting his face sink into his hands with a groan, “I really fucked this up, haven’t I?”

“Your intentions were good,” Mikael tried, patting Even’s arm, “and deep down, I think Isak knows that, because Isak knows you, and you’re not an asshole. You’re a little weird, maybe, but you don’t hurt people on purpose. I do see why you did what you did, and it’s easy to judge you for it, and stuff, but none of us know what we would have done in a situation like that. And I think that Isak knows that, too, and I think that even though things are fucked up right now, he knows that you’re a good person.”

“I don’t think he believes that anymore,” Even grumbled against his arms, “I think that the only thing he sees is that I fucked up his life back then, and I’m fucking it up now.”

“For now, maybe,” Mikael agreed, taking another bite of his burger, “but if you ask me, this is the best situation you can be in right now.”

Even squinted his eyes at him,

“Maybe I’m not asking you.”

“Okay, imagine if you hadn’t told him the truth about what you did back then and he would have forgiven you. And you two would have gotten back together and lived happily ever after. Would you have been able to enjoy that, knowing that you lied to him like that?”

Even shrugged,

“I don’t know anything anymore,” he admitted, rubbing his hand over his face.

“Well,” Mikael said, “if he ever does forgive you, at least now he knows what he’s forgiving you for.”

“Mh,” Even hummed, not sounding convinced.

But of course he knew that Mikael had a point. That unrealistic daydream that he kept having, the one where he and Isak were happily together again, couldn’t have worked without Isak knowing the truth. It probably wouldn’t work now, either, but Mikael was right, at least now Isak knew what he was dealing with.

“Do you think he’s going to be okay? What else did Jonas say?” Even asked carefully, picking apart some french fries nervously.

“Jonas knows that it has something to do with you,” Mikael said.

“And he’s mad at me,” Even assumed.

“No. He really isn’t. I think he’s worried about you, too.”

“Really?”

“He just told me that Isak seems sad and that he assumes that it has something to do with you. And that he hopes that you two can find a solution for whatever it is that’s bugging you.”

“I don’t see any solution for it,” Even mumbled, “but that’s really nice of him.”

“Yeah.”

They ate quietly for a few minutes, before Mikael cleared his throat,

“You’re coming to Yousef’s birthday party in two weeks, right?”

Even winced,

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“Isak’s going to be there, right?”

Mikael nodded,

“Yeah, probably.”

“I just think that he should have some space. He made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to see me. The least I can do is respect that,” Even said, running a hand through his hair.

“When you and Isak broke up ten years ago, you left all of us, Even. You didn’t speak with any of us for a year or something. You left all of your friends, because you wanted to give him space, or whatever. I don’t think you should do that again. I think you should come. We all love you, man. Maybe Isak doesn’t anymore, but we do. Can’t you just, I don’t know? Let us?”

 

\--

 

The next two weeks were silent for Even.

He didn’t see Isak, not even in the hospital or during parties, not once. Jonas had told him that apparently Isak and Julian had pressed pause on the whole buying a house action, that they were having some problems right now. He asked how Even was doing. And if there was something he could do for him. For Isak and him.

Even just shook his head and said that he was sorry that Isak was having a hard time. Because he was. He really didn’t want to cause problems in Isak’s life, and he was tired of hearing that he had done it again and again and again.

He started working more instead, he flew to New York a couple of days to work on the last steps of editing his new movie, he took new meetings with his team to figure out what the next project would be.

He scheduled all of his meetings so that he could still drive his mother to her appointments, he tried to be in Oslo as much as possible, but he still tried to start living his life again.

It did distract him from all the pain and the heartache.

But he started to accept that he would probably never fully heal from that. Not here in Oslo, and probably not in the rest of the world.

 

\--

 

Yousef’s birthday was two weeks later, and Even did come to the party, and weirdly enough, everyone seemed to be happy about it. It almost felt weird, having people actually care about him like that, even though he always fucked up, even though he had been a shitty friend for most of his life. He was still loved and welcomed and it made him feel both guilty and so so good.

It was loud and heated inside of Yousef’s and Sana’s house, music was blasting from the speakers, people were drinking and dancing. The light smell of weed moved through the hallways. Once again, Even felt like he was 19 again, and he was starting to hate that feeling.

“I still can’t believe that you were the first one of us to get married,” Magnus called out, punching Jonas’ shoulder.

“What, I’m super good at relationships. I had a girlfriend long before you even dared to look at a girl,” Jonas teased back, taking a sip from his beer.

“Tssss, I hooked up plenty,” Magnus shot back, and Mahdi just laughed at that,

“Dude, Isak hooked up more than you did and he wasn’t even into girls.”

“Yeah, but in all fairness, Isak was the one who hooked up the most,” Jonas jumped in, before carefully looking over at Even.

“It’s probably his curls. Women dig curls,” Magnus said, deep in thought, before he shook his head, “But you know, I always thought Even would be the first one to get married.”

“Mags,” Jonas said quietly, still eyeing Even carefully.

“No, no, because he’s so homey, you know. He always cooked for Isak and made him lunch to bring to school and stuff. You’re just such a… harmony, family sort of guy, right?” Magnus went on, and Even tried to fake a smile through all of his pain.

“Hey, Mags, let’s get another beer,” Mahdi tried to change the topic.

“Come on, guys, you can’t tell me I’m the only one who thought that Isak and Even would get married right after high school! Jonas, you even bet money on it, don’t lie! It was so obvious!”

Even swallowed hard when he got up, gesturing towards his half-empty beer bottle as an excuse, because he knew he couldn’t fucking trust his voice not to break right now.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Mags!” he heard Jonas sigh.

“The fuck did I do?!”

“Jesus, can’t you see how Even’s still looking at Isak? You can’t talk about how fucking happy they were back then. They’re both, like, I don’t know, struggling with that.”

“What, still?” Magnus asked, shocked.

_Yeah, still._

Even sighed deeply, making his way towards the balcony instead, in desperate need for some fresh air.

In a way it was fascinating, how one comment could just make him feel this sad this fast. He had been feeling okay, not good, of course, but sort of okay. But hearing Magnus mention him and Isak like that… Even felt so sad, so tired, as if all of his happiness and energy had just vanished in a blink of an eye.

He froze when he stepped out into the mild, fresh air.

Isak was leaning against the railing, turning around to see who was bothering him. He looked sad, Even realized, sad and tired.

Maybe Even was the person who did what Magnus’ comment had done to himself. Maybe he was the person that just made all of Isak’s happiness vanish.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, not sure if he should leave and get back inside or use the one opportunity he had to try and talk to Isak.

“Whatever,” Isak mumbled, and it sounded resigned. As if he didn’t have any strength to fight Even.

“If you want to talk…” Even tried, and Isak rolled his eyes, walking towards the glass door,

“Ev, whatever you have to say, by now I won’t believe one fucking word of it.”

“I’m hurting, too, you know,” Even called out when Isak had opened the door, one foot already inside the house.

He froze in that position, before he slowly turned around, shutting the door again,

_“You’re hurting, too?”_

Even bit the inside of his cheek, realizing that he had probably said something really stupid,

“Yeah,” he choked out, “I am.”

“Well, good,” Isak spat, glaring at him, “I hope you are.”

“I am,” Even said, “I’ve been hurting for a pretty long time now.”

“If only there would have been something you could have done to prevent that,” Isak hissed, his lips turning into a mean smile.

“You can judge me all you want, but you would have done the same damn thing. Out of all people, _you_ should understand that I loved you too fucking much to just let you throw your life away.”

Isak just nodded, leaning against the railing again, taking another sip of beer,

“I do understand. But my idea of loving someone too much included following them to the other side of the world, not lie to them and then dump them.”

Even felt tears sting in his eyes,

“I just wanted you to be happy,” he said, using all his strength to keep his voice from shaking, “I know that it doesn’t look like I wanted that, but I did. I do.”

“You’re right,” Isak shrugged, “doesn’t look like you did.”

They were quiet for a few moments, Isak staring at the floor while Even wiped his hand over his face, angrily trying to control his emotions,

“Do you think that you can ever forgive me?”

“No,” Isak said, almost too quickly, and Even shook his head, almost crying now,

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but I love you, Issy.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“I never fucking stopped loving you.”

“Don’t say that.”

Even shook his head, taking a step towards Isak, closer and closer and closer, until he was almost pressed up against him, while Isak was still leaning against the railing behind him.

He didn’t try to move away, he had both of his hands clenched into fists, his face hard as stone, looking away from Even.

“Please, Isak,” Even begged, dropping his forehead against Isak’s, desperately searching for contact.

He heard how Isak exhaled deeply, voice shaking now, too,

“Don’t.”

“Isak, Isak, please, baby”, Even rambled, still standing right in front of Isak, his eyes roaming over Isak’s face, “you and me, that’s how it’s supposed to be, remember? You said that I wasn’t alone, Isak. Minute for minute, that’s what we were, that’s what you promised me!”

Isak clenched his jaw, pushing Even back,

“Yeah, well, a lot of fucking minutes have passed. And I’m over you now.”

They stared at each other for a few seconds, both of them almost crying.

And then, Isak left.

 

\--

 

“Hey,” Julian said, closing the door behind him, “you okay?”

Even let out a shaky laugh, before he shook his head. He was still sitting on the balcony, in the exact same place where he had been sitting since Isak had left him there.

_A lot of fucking minutes have passed._

For Even it didn’t feel like they had. It still felt so much like it did back then. He still loved Isak so much.

Julian just sighed, sitting down on the floor next to Even, offering him a beer.

“Thought you and Isak went home,” Even said quietly, taking a sip of his beer.

“Isak went home,” Julian corrected him, before turning towards Even a little, “what happened tonight?”

Even closed his eyes,

“I told him I love him.”

Julian just nodded, waiting for Even to go on.

“He didn’t say it back,” Even almost whispered.

“I’m sorry,” Julian said, and the weird thing was, he sounded sincere.

“You know how I said that you may be better for him than I am? I think I know now that you actually are,” Even sighed, burying his head in his hands.

“If love was remotely logical, I’d completely agree,” Julian nodded, “but our relationship is nothing like yours. I don’t even know where to begin, to be honest. You seem so connected, you seem so natural with each other, and even when you fight, all that tension and all of that hate- Isak and I just never speak to each other like that.”

Even nodded along, and Julian sighed,

“Maybe that means I’m better for him. Maybe it means that you two have a kind of chemistry that Isak and I never had. I have no idea.”

“I’m sorry,” Even mumbled into his hands.

“For what this time?”

“Basically for coming home. For everything that I did, that lead up to this moment. Before I came back, you and Isak were fine and stable and happy. Now I just keep messing with him and I keep messing with you, and- there’s just so much drama. And you’re just the last person that deserves drama.”

Julian shrugged, leaning his head back, looking at the sky,

“Yeah, maybe.”

“I’m sorry I caused your life to be this exhausting. I bet it was a fucking fairytale before I came along.”

“Eh, well,” Julian shrugged again, this time with a grin, “what’s a fairytale without a villain, right?”

Even couldn’t help but grin, too,

“You two really deserve each other,” he smiled, “you know, if things were a little different, I’d totally root for you.”

Julian let out a long breath, nodding,

“Yeah. If things were a little different, I’d totally root for you, too.”

* * *

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla ♡
> 
> This is the last actual chapter, but there will be an epilogue which will be up in the next few days I think.
> 
> I also have a couple of new ideas for some fics I'm currently writing, but tell me on twitter if you have any ideas or anything you would like to read or something.
> 
> Let me know what you think about the chapter and I hope you're all well and that you're having a good summer wherever you are, that you're taking care of yourself and the people around you and know that you're loved!
> 
> Have fun reading!
> 
> alt er love ♡ be kind

* * *

 

When things became quiet after that night, it wasn’t in a painful way. It was in a healing way.

Even went on with his life, and for the first time in a long time, he felt somewhat okay. His mother was almost done with her chemotherapy, and although she was still struggling, everything seemed to look better by now.

Life seemed to look better by now.

Even stopped working to avoid heartache and actually started working on things that inspired him again. He worked his way through scripts, looking for stories that would heal hearts instead of stories that would make money.

He spend time with his mother, intimate and close, allowing himself to be weak and vulnerable, and all it did was bring them closer together.

Friendships became more important again. He had told himself that they had always been, but he knew that he had been neglecting all of his friends. He spend time at Jonas’ house, cooking them dinner so that Eva could take a break, playing with their daughter. He spend time with Mikael, listening to him rant about his job, trying to offer solutions. He spend time with Magnus, listening to his funny stories and his stupid comments, and realized how much he had missed him.

He was still aching for Isak, everyday, but slowly, it was possible to breathe again.

Somehow, he felt better now, knowing that he had done everything he could. He had told Isak the truth. He had told Isak he still loved him.

He didn’t want to force Isak into anything, and if he was completely honest, he didn’t want to beg and cry and feel horrible anymore.

He had done everything he could, and for now, he had to give Isak space.

It wasn’t easy, but slowly, he felt like he could manage it.

 

\--

 

Coming back to Oslo in between his work in New York was still painful. It wasn’t like he could turn off his thoughts, he couldn’t just walk by the coffee house he and Isak used to hang out in without thinking about him. He couldn’t walk by the harbor without thinking about him. He couldn’t go to that hospital without thinking about him. Isak was there, in the back of his mind, constantly, and somedays it hurt.

Other days, Even could breathe through it.

Knowing that Isak was in good hands.

Knowing that he himself had people who loved him, too.

He was getting over it, incredibly slowly, and the process was incredibly painful, but somedays, and even if it was just for a second, Even felt like there could be a way to let Isak go.

 

\--

 

He wasn’t prepared to see Isak that night.

He was at the party of a friend of a friend of Mutta’s colleague – or something like that. Since Even didn’t really know anyone, he wasn’t too keen on spending his entire night there, but he had promised Mutta to show up, and right now, he wasn’t sure if that had been a really smart move or a really bad mistake.

Because Isak was there, too.

And Even wasn’t expecting to see him.

And he most definitely wasn’t expecting to see him like that.

Isak was completely shitfaced.

“I’m going to be right back,” he told the guy he was talking to quickly, to get through the people and into the kitchen, where Isak was currently stumbling towards the sink to wash his hands, obviously completely drunk.

“Hey,” Even said carefully, offering Isak a towel.

“What’s this?” Isak asked, looking at Even, obviously confused.

“A towel?” Even suggested, just as confused.

“Not the fucking towel, asshole,” Isak hissed, grabbing it with uncoordinated moves, “you being here. You talking to me.”

“I just- I just wanted to check if you were okay,” Even said quietly, closing the kitchen door to have some privacy, relieved when it was a little quieter, a little more intimate like that.

“I’m fucking perfect,” Isak told him, taking another sip from his drink. Even wasn’t quite sure what he was drinking, but Isak reeked of alcohol.

“You don’t seem perfect,” Even said with a frown, “why are you drinking like that?”

“I can drink however the fuck I want,” Isak slurred, taking another sip just to stress his words.

“Want me to get Julian?” Even asked, already taking a step towards the kitchen door.

“He’s not here,” Isak mumbled, emptying his glass, coughing a little.

“Why not?”

“He’s in Sweden. At a conference.”

“Oh, okay,” Even nodded, not sure what to do next.

“We took a break,” Isak admitted, putting his glass down on the counter next to him.

Even frowned,

“What?!”

“Julian and I,” Isak explained, stumbling over to the fridge to get another drink, “he had to leave for that conference and he said that maybe it’s a good thing that we get to have some space.”

“Really?” Even asked.

He didn’t really think that Julian would do something like that. He seemed determined to make things work out with Isak. On the other hand though, other than Even, he was mature enough to let Isak make up his own mind. And no matter how nice and calm Julian had been through all of this, Even could imagine that all of this kept hurting him, too. So maybe space wasn’t too crazy after all.

“He said that we needed to figure some stuff out. That he thinks it’s good that I can think about some things,” Isak went on, and Even wasn’t sure if he should maybe stop him. It felt too private, all the things Isak was telling him, too intimate.

“I don’t know what he means, though, I told him that I wanted to be with him. I love him, you know. I don’t just say that, I don’t, like, just act like it and secretly love you or whatever. I don’t.”

Hearing Isak say that hurt.

Not in the same heart-shattering way it did a couple of weeks ago, but it still felt like a punch in the stomach.

“Did you tell him that?” Even asked carefully, “that you love him?”

“I tell him all the time,” Isak sighed, struggling to get the fridge open, “he tells me, too. I don’t get it, if I love him and he loves me, what the fuck do we need space for?”

He leaned over to get another beer out, stumbling again, and Even sighed, going over to him, gently pulling him away from the fridge, leaning him back against the counter,

“Maybe you shouldn’t drink anymore.”

Isak laughed, and it sounded sad,

“I’ve never had more reason to drink in my entire life.”

Even ran a hand over his face, searching for the right words,

“I’m sorry, Isak. I really am. I didn’t want this for you. I didn’t mean to cause problems with you and Julian. When I last talked to him I told him that he deserves you, that you deserve each other. I meant that, you know.”

“I don’t give a fuck what you said,” Isak said, reaching for the fridge again, “I don’t give a fuck about anything anymore.”

“Isak, come on,” Even said, pulling him away again, “I really think you should stop.”

“I really think that you should stop telling me what to do!” Isak hissed, getting out of Even’s grip, almost falling over in the process, “because you have no fucking idea what it’s like to have your first love just leave you, to have them, like, lie to you because you loved them too much. You have no idea what it’s like to have someone as good as Julian leave you. Because apparently, every good guy I date just turns into an asshole!”

Isak frowned for a second,

“You’re the first love, by the way,” he added, gesturing towards Even with uncoordinated moves, words interrupted by hiccups.

“Yeah, I got that,” Even said with a sad smile.

“You were a good guy when we got together. Julian is a good guy. Like, I get that other people have problems when they date assholes, why the fuck am I the only one who dates like, the perfect boyfriend, and still gets left alone?! Twice!”

Even sighed. It broke his heart that Isak felt that way. It really did.

“It’s not like that, Isak. I promise. I still love you. Julian still loves you. He just wants you to make up your own mind, he just wants you to feel good with whatever you decide. And if you decide that you want to be with him, just go tell him that. He didn’t leave you alone, he’s just trying to be respectful. Just tell him you want him, and tell him you love him, and the rest will just fall right into place.”

Isak nodded along, before he let his head hang low, swallowing hard,

“How the hell did my life get this screwed up?”

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. I really wanted you to have a good life and-“

“Stop it, Even,” Isak groaned, rolling his eyes, “I can’t take this bullshit anymore. All of you always tell me what’s fucking best for me, and I can’t take it anymore. Julian thinks he knows, that’s why he wants space, right, because he thinks that’s what I need. You always think you know what’s best for me, even Jonas always knows what’s fucking best for me. Nobody ever just fucking _asks_ me. So just- just shut up, Even, please.”

“I’m sorry,” Even repeated, making Isak groan again.

Isak took a deep breath, stumbling past Even,

“I wanna go home.”

“Let me take you,” Even said quickly, one hand on Isak’s arm to stabilize him.

Isak pulled back immediately,

“Don’t fucking touch me.”

“Isak,” Even said, and for a second they just looked at each other, before Isak leaned his forehead against Even’s chest, obviously exhausted.

“I just want it to stop,” Isak whispered, his voice a little rough, and Even swallowed, pulling Isak into a hug, softly patting his back,

“It will. I promise. You have any kind of future you want with Julian, I’m sure of it.”

Isak took a deep breath, and Even’s heart broke when he felt Isak shoulders shake a little. Maybe no one else would have noticed the shiver going through Isak’s body, but Even did. He noticed everything about Isak.

“I don’t know,” Isak said quietly, “I just don’t want any more drama. Remember when we first got together? It was easy. Me and Julian are easy. This is just the fucking opposite of easy. This is…” Isak trailed off, gesturing with his hand, trying to find a word.

“Hard?” Even suggested gently.

“Yes.”

“Isak. I can leave. If you want me to, I’ll leave and you won’t have to see me again. If all this does is mess with your head, then I can just go. You know, let you be happy.”

“No,” Isak mumbled, pulling back, rubbing his hand over his face.

“No?”

“I don’t know,” Isak repeated, “I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how to make any of this less messy.”

He sighed, before he leaned his head against Even’s chest again,

“Only thing I know is that you can’t leave again.”

 

\--

 

“We were going to buy a house, you know,” Isak slurred, stumbling against Even’s side, “a whole fucking house. Maybe a dog. I don’t know anything about dogs though.”

“Mhm,” Even hummed, holding on to Isak’s sleeve to pull him away from the street.

Isak didn’t seem to mind, just went with it as he kept rambling,

“Julian had a dog when he was younger. It was a cute dog, his mom showed me pictures once. He wants a dog again, and I told him that if he wants a dog, we’ll get a dog. I would fucking get up and walk a dog for him, that’s so weird, right?”

“Sounds like a nice gesture.”

Isak shrugged,

“I don’t know when dogs get up in the morning or whatever. But I love him. Julian. I really do. I don’t know why he doesn’t want me anymore. He just told me I should take some time. I don’t want time.”

“Maybe you should talk to him tomorrow. When you’re sober. Just tell him all of that.”

Isak shook his head,

“That doesn’t make any sense, he already knows about the dog. It was his idea.”

“Not about the dog,” Even said, stopping Isak from crossing the street at a red light, “about what you said, about how you’re feeling.”

“Yeah,” Isak nodded, leaning against the poll of the light, “I should tell him that, like, time is bullshit.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Even agreed, ushering Isak over the street when the light turned green.

“This is our house,” Isak realized, looking up the nice apartment complex, “how do you know where we live?”

“I asked you,” Even explained, and Isak nodded, like that was a really smart move from Even.

“Are you going to be able to get inside by yourself?” Even asked, gesturing towards the door.

“No,” Isak whined, “you have to come.”

“You sure?”

Isak looked at Even and smiled. And Even knew he was in trouble.

 

\--

 

Even gasped when his back hit the wall, and he felt Isak’s lips on his. It was messy and hectic, and Even knew it was wrong, but Isak’s mouth was so goddamn addicting that he just couldn’t bring himself to stop.

Isak’s tongue moved inside of his mouth, quick and hungry, his hands pushed against Even’s hips, walking him through some room, stumbling over stuff, before Even felt himself be pushed down on a bed.

“Isak, maybe-“ he started, but then Isak was straddling him, kissing him again, and his mouth tasted like alcohol and his body felt like heaven.

It was new and exciting, feeling Isak’s body like this, the muscles, a little harder than they used to be, the silky hair, a little shorter than it used to be, the sinful mouth, every bit as delicious as it used to be.

New, exciting, and at the same time it was like coming home.

Isak panted against his mouth, his hands roaming over Even’s body, grabbing and pulling and hectically trying to touch bare skin.

It was heated, and quick, and so so good, and Even felt like his insides had been set on _fire_.

When Isak’s hand covered the bulge in Even’s pants, pressing down, cupping him through his jeans, something snapped back into place in Even’s head.

Suddenly, the slight smell of alcohol radiating from Isak was everywhere, his sloppy mouth was no longer hot, his uncoordinated hands were no longer enjoyable.

“Isak, we can’t do this,” Even choked out, pushing Isak’s hand away.

“Come on, I know you want to,” Isak slurred against Even’s neck, biting down, and fuck, it took Even every last part of his self-control to push Isak off of him and stand up.

Isak looked up at him a little shocked, and Even couldn’t blame him. When they used to be together, they often had sex when they were drunk, but Even needed to remind himself that they weren’t together anymore. The rules about consent and sex didn’t apply anymore, and he needed to end this before they did anything more that Isak would regret.

“I don’t want you to do anything you might regret.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Isak spat, standing up, too.

“Please, Isak, you’re drunk—“

“I’m not _that_ drunk, I know what I’m doing,” Isak said, glaring at Even.

“Do you, though?” Even asked, eyebrows raised, his voice a little too soft, a little too concerned.

It made Isak explode,

“Let me get this straight, you come back into my life, you fuck up _everything_ I have by telling me that you never cheated on me, then by causing problems with me and Julian every fucking chance you had, and now, that you finally broke me and him up, you can’t even sleep with me to get me through at least some of the fucking pain you keep causing me?!”

“You’re not broken up, Isak. You and Julian. You’re on a break. And I don’t want to fuck that up for you by doing something you might regret.”

“Oh, here we go again,” Isak yelled, throwing his hands up, “go on, keep making fucking decisions for me, seems like that’s all you’re fucking good for!”

“You are drunk, and you’re in a relationship,” Even stated, his eyes sparkling with anger when he stared at Isak, “and even though every fucking part of me wants this and wants you, _believe me_ , I don’t want to be your pity fuck.”

Isak stared back at him,

“For once in your life, you could have just put my needs above yours and do what the fuck I want.”

Even laughed, tired and exhausted and without any humor in it,

“Trust me, Iss, the one thing I always tried to do was putting your needs above mine. Why the fuck would I not sleep with you for _my_ sake? Believe me, if I would be putting myself first, I’d have your fucking dick in my mouth right about now.”

Isak took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair, saying nothing.

“I don’t get it, if you are so sure about you and Julian, why are we here? Why did he want to give you space? Like, if you two are so good together, then why do you even need this right now?”

Isak’s eyes turned dark with anger,

“Do you think it’s that fucking easy?! Do you think you can just come back into my life like that, at a point in your life where you really need family and support, do you really think you can tell me what you told me, tell me that you love me, and it wouldn’t affect me?!”

Even bit his lip,

“It didn’t seem like it affected you.”

“How the fuck could that not affect me?!”

“You said- I don’t know! You told me you didn’t love me anymore, and you and Julian seemed so stable and-“

Isak pressed both of his hands against his temples, as if he was fighting with the word’s worst headache,

“That doesn’t mean that I don’t still think about shit! That doesn’t mean that this doesn’t hurt! I do not love you, Even. I love him. I do not want you. I want him. But that doesn’t mean that all of this doesn’t hurt, that doesn’t mean that I’m not constantly wondering what my life would look like right now if you had made some different choices, that does not mean that I can just look at you and be okay! Of fucking course I have feelings for you, I don’t still love you, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care! Of course I care, because you fucking _matter_ to me. I don’t have to love you for you to _matter_.”

They stared at each other for a second, Isak a little out of breath, his eyes wild and desperate and hurt, and Even felt equally lost.

Isak shrugged, eventually, running a hand through his hair,

“I don’t know what I feel for you, okay? I know it’s not _love_ , but I also know it’s not _nothing_.”

He sounded calmer, and it felt a little like closure, a little like everything had been said now.

Even cleared his throat, nodding,

“Okay. I’m sorry for assuming that any of this was easy for you. You’re right, you can be in love with Julian and not be in love with me, and still be affected by that. I’m sorry that I didn’t consider that more. Consider you more.”

Isak just nodded along, shrugging again.

They stared at each other again, just stared at each other, minute after minute passing, and Even felt so helpless.

He eventually just lifted his hands in question,

“Is there anything I can say or do to make any of this easier?”

Isak took a deep breath, before he nodded,

“I want you to go.”

“Okay. Call me if you want to talk or if there is anything I can do for you.”

Isak just nodded, looking away, and then Even just did what Isak asked him to.

He left.

* * *

 


	9. No day without it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla ♡
> 
> I didn't think it would be possible to upload this today, because as some of you know, my laptop and I had some differences today, but here it is: the ending.
> 
> I don't know if it's an epilogue or a ending or a short chapter, whatever, it is what it is.
> 
> I don't want to add any notes at the end, therefore I'm going to say this now: I wrote this ending before I wrote anything else for this story, and I wrote that ending some time when I started the Technology universe? So it has been in my mind for quite some time and I really love it. Like, I actually like it, and I'm proud and happy to be sharing it with you.
> 
> So if you have thoughts and feelings about the ending, I'd love to hear them, and if you hate it, feel free to tell me, but do it in a respectful way. If you want to know how I think things are from Isak's POV, let me know, I'll try to answer all the comments, but I won't write his POV for this story, I won't write a sequel or an alternative ending either.
> 
> I don't know when I'm going to post something new, if there is anything you really want to read, feel free to tell me, and until then, remember to take care of you and your mental health and be kind to people. And please don't forget that always being kind means being kind to yourself as well ♡
> 
> Thank you all for reading ♡
> 
> alt er love ♡

* * *

 

Even went to New York a few days later to attend the premiere of his new movie, and it was exactly what he had needed after what had happened with Isak.

He had felt like there was nothing left to enjoy anymore since he had come back to Oslo, since his mother had been diagnosed.

But he was actually able to enjoy this, walking down the red carpet, giving a few interviews, answering questions that had nothing to do with Isak or his mother or Oslo or any part of his life that as pretty fucked up at the moment.

The premiere was a great success, they got amazing feedback on the movie, and Even couldn’t help but feel proud. He was here because of the choices he had made ten years ago, and it did feel good that he was getting something out of it, that not _everything_ felt broken.

He felt better about himself when he got back to Oslo a week later to check on his mother, to spend some time with her and get together with his friends before returning to New York in a few weeks for a new project.

He felt tired, but relatively happy when he unlocked the door and smiled instantly when he heard his mother’s laugh, happy and light.

Then he heard another voice, the voice that had obviously made his mother laugh, and he felt very sick all of a sudden.

He walked towards the kitchen slowly, and _fuck_ , there he was, sitting in the same spot that he had been sitting in for years, eating his mother’s lasagna and talking to her about something.

Even wasn’t sure what to feel about the image in front of him, it was both the most terrifying and beautiful thing he could imagine. Part of him wanted Isak out of his fucking kitchen in seconds, but another part of him wanted him right there, eating his mother’s food, sitting in his spot.

He stared at Isak for a second, before he heard his mother clear her throat,

“Oh, hey, honey,” she said, getting up to wrap Even in a tight hug, “I didn’t think you’d be back until tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I- I was able to get an earlier flight and-” Even stopped, clearing his throat, nodding towards Isak,

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Isak said shyly, running a hand through his hair uncomfortably, “I- I’m so sorry, I should just go- I-“

“No, it’s okay,” Even decided, shrugging, “I need to take a shower anyway, and I-“

“I can leave,” Isak insisted, already getting up.

“It’s okay, Isak, really,” Even promised, patting his mom’s back, “you guys finish your dinner, I need to take a shower and unpack and stuff. It’s completely fine.”

He smiled at Isak, turning around to leave the kitchen to go down the hall to his room, but he already heard his mom follow him.

“Even,” she said softly, holding on to his arm, “I’m sorry. We ran into each other at the hospital earlier and he offered to drive me home after my appointment. I just offered him something to eat.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” Even said, and he meant it, “this is your home, and honestly, if Isak being here makes you feel better, then bring him over whenever you want.”

“It’s your home, too,” Liv said, gently touching his cheek, “It’s always going to be your home, too. And I don’t want anyone here that makes you feel like it isn’t.”

“I know Isak and I have our own shit going on, but in a way, it’s also his home,” Even said with a smile, shrugging, “It’s weird to have him here, yeah, but it’s stupid to act like he doesn’t belong. Because he does.”

It was true. Isak had a really close connection to his mother, and he had spent a lot of time at this place, too. It was his home, and Even’s mom was his family, and Even knew that whatever would or would not happen with him and Isak, he couldn’t take that away from him. He had no right to take that away from him, ever.

“That’s really sweet,” Liv said, kissing his cheek, “and that’s really mature of you. But just for the record, it’s okay that you and Isak have ‘shit’ going on and it’s okay if you don’t want him here.”

“Well, bottom line is that I love you. And I love him,” he admitted, realizing that he hadn’t really said that to her yet, but somehow it didn’t feel as big and dramatic anymore. It felt like it was the way it had always been, and Liv didn’t seem to consider it big news, either, so Even just cleared his throat to continue,

“And if you’re both happy being here, then I’m happy, too. It’s going to take me some time to get over him, that’s all. But there’s no reason why you guys can’t have dinner together until I do.”

Liv reached up to gently stroke his cheek,

“You’re a really good person, honey.”

Even smiled, leaning down to kiss her,

“I’m going to take a shower. Just finish your dinner, it’s completely fine.”

 

\--

 

Even went and took a shower, and he realized that it actually didn’t bother him, Isak spending time with his mother.

He had ben sort of jealous of their relationship when he came back, but now he saw that he had no reason to be. His mother seemed to feel good when Isak was around, and even though Isak seemed very content with his life and everything, Even just knew that Isak valued this place, too.

He didn’t have the luxury of having a loving home and a caring mom when he was growing up, and when he had gotten together with Even, he had found that in Even’s family. And now, Even realized that even if Isak would get back together with Julian, hell, even if they would get married tomorrow, Even cared about him way too much to make him feel badly about feeling at home here.

He put on a pair of sweatpants after his shower, and headed to his room to get properly dressed.

His chest was still wet, curtesy of his dripping wet hair, when he ran into Isak, who was just about to knock on his door.

“Oh. Hi.”

“Hi,” Even said, waiting for Isak to step back from the door so that he could go into his room, very aware of Isak standing in the door frame, hands playing with each other nervously, before Isak pushed them into his jeans pockets,

“I’m heading out, so,” he started, clearing his throat, “and I wanted to say sorry again for being here.”

“It’s okay,” Even said, shrugging a little as he ran a towel through his hair, drying it a little, not having the patience to do it properly,

“This is your home, too. And if you being here makes my mom happy, then our high school drama shouldn’t stand in the way of that. Don’t worry about it.”

Isak nodded, looking down on the ground for a second,

“I also wanted to say sorry for the other night. And for not calling you earlier to apologize.”

Even pulled a light, white shirt over his head, throwing the towel over the ladder of his bunkbed,

“Okay?”

“Yeah, it was really stupid of me, to get drunk, and to take you home and to do all, well, that,” Isak gestured towards Even, who couldn’t help but chuckle,

“Okay?”

Isak rolled his eyes and nodded,

“You acted mature and I didn’t. I was just pissed at you, and I was pissed at Julian and it just wasn’t exactly my proudest moment,” he admitted.

Even nodded along,

“I’m sorry, too, though. What you said made me think how wrong I’ve been seeing everything. I was pretty caught up in my own shit, and you just seemed so happy with Julian, I just- I didn’t think about how much all of this sucked for _you_ , because I was so busy feeling sorry for myself because it really sucked for me.”

Isak smiled, crossing his arms, leaning against Even’s windowsill, looking at Even,

“It didn’t really suck for me at first. That part was true. I was really happy with Julian, and I was over you. Just- after what you told me, everything just sort of changed.”

“Yeah, of course. How could it not. I’m sorry that I caused so many problems with you and Julian.”

Even meant it. He really was sorry.

“It’s okay. I was really pissed at him for a while, for making you tell me. But he was right. He usually is,” Isak admitted with a small eyeroll, smiling fondly.

Talking to each other felt easy, all of a sudden. Natural.

Even sat down on the windowsill, leaning his head back at the wall, looking at Isak,

“You really love him, don’t you?”

Isak nodded, sitting down on the other side of the windowsill,

“Yes. I really do.”

“So,” Even said, voice a little raspy, “where does that leave us?”

Isak shrugged,

“Well, as I said, it’s not love, but it’s not _nothing_. That’s all I know right now.”

“That’s okay. How are things with Julian?” Even asked, tilting his head to the side a little, almost feeling weird about the fact that it didn’t feel weird to ask him.

“Tough,” Isak admitted, “I told him everything when he got back from Sweden. I told him about us, about that night, about what happened, what almost happened.”

“Mhm,” Even hummed.

“We’re still sort of on a break, but we’re trying to figure stuff out. He knows that I sort of feel something for you, that I don’t know what it is yet, he knows that I’m thinking about everything that could have been, that sort of stuff. We really want to be together, me and him. I really love him, and we’re trying to figure it out. I just- I’m not sure how and if we’re going to be okay again. How to figure stuff out.”

Even looked up, looking at Isak’s face. He was looking vulnerable, almost as if he was looking at Even for advice or for guidance. He used to look at Even like that countless times, and somehow it felt nice that he still was.

Even smiled softly,

“Just take some time, and try not thinking too much, maybe try turning off that head of yours and listen to your gut instead. You don’t have to decide anything right now. And the offer still stands, I can leave if you want.”

Isak shook his head,

“Nah. It won’t change all of that chaos if you left,” he said, gesturing towards his head, “Thank you for offering, Ev, but you don’t have to leave. I don’t want you to.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t.”

“If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. And just take your time with everything else. Julian loves you so much, Issy, he was just giving you space because he didn’t want to repeat my mistakes. Just go and be with him. Stop wondering about all the _what ifs_. I took those from you, and I regret that, but I can’t change it now. I know you can’t forgive me for that. It’s going to suck getting over you – again – but I’ll be fine.”

Isak nodded along, running a hand through his hair.

He was quiet a long time, before he swallowed,

“What if I can? Maybe not now, but at some point.”

“What if you can what?”

“Forgive you.”

 

Even looked at him, simply looked at him.

He looked every bit as beautiful as he did ten years ago, and Even couldn’t help but to fall in love all over again.

This was the place he had fallen in love with Isak Valtersen the first time, and he knew that he would keep doing that for the rest of his life.

Looking at this boy and falling for him. Everyday. All the time. Again and again.

Isak stared back at him, and then all of a sudden, they both leaned forward, got closer.

It was like they were magnetic, they always had been.

 

And when their lips touched, it wasn’t heated.

They weren’t drunk on suppressed feelings and high on _what ifs_ and _what could have beens_.

They were here and they were now and this time, their kiss was slow and kind and wanted.

It didn’t set Even’s inside’s on fire.

He didn’t feel heat spread through his body.

Instead, he felt warmth spread through his heart and calmness through his mind.

 

Isak pulled back, licking his lips, his eyes on Even’s, big and green and teary,

“I can’t. I’m sorry, I- I just can’t right now. I need to figure some stuff out.”

“I understand. I’m sorry,” Even agreed, his hand still lying on Isak’s cheek, his eyes still staring at Isak’s wet lips.

Isak cleared his throat, pulling back completely now, and even though Even wanted to hold him with all of the strength he had, he let him go, because he knew he had no right to hold him close.

He had had the chance to keep Isak close, and he had made the decision to let him go, and now he needed to man up to that. Needed Isak to make up his own mind, give him the opportunity to make his own decision.

He knew he couldn’t deprive Isak of that twice.

 

“What time is it?” he asked quietly, looking out of the window, realizing the sun had already set.

Isak let out a shaky breath, checking his watch as he got up,

“Ten past ten.”

“Mh. Guess it’s not 21:21 anymore,” Even said, and even though it was supposed to sound like a joke, he realized that he probably never sounded sadder.

Isak nodded, letting the words sink in, before he took a deep breath, holding his hand out for Even to take,

“Tomorrow it will be 21:21 again.”

Even took his hand, and they looked at each other, quiet and serious, and then Isak moved closer, slowly, swaying their bodies together, until he could place his face into the crook of Even’s neck, one of his hands lying on Even’s chest, right above his heart, the other one was laced together with Even’s.

And it felt right, and perfect, and like _home_.

But even though Even felt all of that, he realized that he still didn’t know anything about the things that _mattered_. He didn’t know what would happen, with Isak and Julian, with Isak and him. He didn’t know if there was a way to make things okay again, a way to be happy, with or without Isak.

 

All he knew was that it would always, in infinite times, be 21:21 for them.

Today, it had passed.

But tomorrow it would be 21:21 again.

 

There was no day without it.

* * *

 


End file.
